Chester! Chester! Near North Wales! Off the M56!
Alan is in the room Jed has dedicated to him. Jed reveals a large tattoo of Alan’s face on his chest:
Jed: I’ll show you something.
Alan: Glory be!
Jed: It took 14 hours! I fainted three times.
Alan: Jed, I’ll level with you. I’m really scared. Erm.. . In fact, I think I’ll go.
Jed: No! Stay, don’t go!
Alan: All right. I’ll stay! I’ll stay. What do you want to do?
Jed: Let’s do an interview.
Alan: I think that’s a great idea.
Jed: Do you really?
Alan: I think it’s the best idea, in the world.
Jed: Oh, great! Right, well you can be David Copperfield. And I’ll be Alan Partridge [Puts an Alan Partridge mask on]. A-ha!
Alan [Making a run for it]: Oh god.
Jed: No! Come back! [Jed grabs Alan and they scuffle]
Alan: Not my face, I’m doing a photo-shoot for Vision Express! I’ll give you a Chinese burn!
Jed [With Alan in a headlock]: Ah! You bastard!
Alan: I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe.
Jed: Look, Alan. I just want to be your friend, that’s all.
Alan: I’ll BE your friend.
Jed: Oh, great. Will you come and see my brother-in-law next weekend?
Alan: I’d love to.
Jed: I bet you can’t guess where he lives. Go on, have a guess.
Alan: Chester. Near North Wales, off the M56.
Jed: No, Leeds!
Alan: Oh, Leeds!
Jed: Can you smell gas?
Alan: I think that’s my breath. I ate a scotch egg. I thought it would have broken down by now, but I think I’m slightly constipated. It’s surprising, really, considering the circumstances.
Jed: I’m sorry, Alan. I didn’t know. Are you all right?
Jed: So we’re friends then?
Alan: Best friends.
Jed: In the whole world?
Alan: Pretty much, yeah.