Knowing Me, Knowing You – Episode 1

Alan’s Guests: Sue Lewis, Keith Hunt, Shona McGough and Roger Moore.

Alan: Welcome. Welcome to “Knowing Me, Knowing You”, with me, Alan Partridge. Live from BBC Television Centre. You better believe it babe, there’s a new chat in town. (Drum roll)
Tonight it what I call a “JFK” kind of a night. Because, just as everyone can remember what they were doing when President Kennedy was shot in the head. I like to think that thirty years from now, people will remember what they were doing when I first said “A-ha!”.
As tonight’s motorcade of chat cruises through celebrity city, let’s hope there isn’t a lone sniper waiting to pick off my star guest. He arrived at Heathrow airport ten minutes ago and is now being whisked to the studio in a black Vauxhall Carlton. He is none other than 007 James Bond, Roger Moore.
I hope you like my set. It’s modeled on the lobby of a top international hotel. And, for the first time ever one a chat show, a beautiful fountain. But first, up there in their musical mezzanine, let’s get to know my resident house band, Glen Ponder and Chalet.

Alan: Knowing me Alan Partridge, knowing you Glen Ponder, a-ha.
Glen: A-ha.
Alan: Knowing me Alan Partridge, knowing you Chalet, a-ha.
Band: A-ha.
Alan: Great to have you aboard, Glen.
Glen: It’s great to be here.

Alan: Sorry?
Glen: Sorry?
Alan: Glen Ponder, Glen Ponder and Chalet.

Alan introduces his first guest:

Alan: Well, it’s time to meet my first guest. Now. After I’ve done her introduction, now. Now. Redrum, Dessert Orchid, Black Beauty, Shergar and Mr Ed. What have they got in common? Well, they’re all celebrity horses. My first guest is not a celebrity horse. She’s a celebrity who rides a horse. Let’s see her in action

(cut to clip of show jumping with Alan commentating)

Alan Commentary: Giddy, giddy, giddy, Yes! Yes, and a… Yes! Take that horse back to the stable, and give it a kiss.

Alan: There’s no finer way to start my series, than in the company of world championship winning ladies show jumping horse legend, Sue Lewis.

Alan: Got a quick whiff of your perfume there, that’s nice. Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you Sue Lewis, a-ha.
Sue: A-ha.
Alan: Right, now. Horses. Horses. People say “a dog is like its owner”. Is a horse like its rider?
Sue: (Quietly) I don’t know.
Alan: Can you speak… can you speak up a bit?
Sue: (Louder) I don’t know.
Alan: You don’t think there is any resemblance? You don’t think you look like a horse?
Sue: (Quietly) Well, I hope not.
Alan: Speak up.
Sue: (Louder) I hope not.
Alan: Sorry, can we turn the fountain off please? Sorry, Sue. Thank you. The idea of the fountain was to represent a fountain of knowledge, you know. To symbolise the show. Now, Sue…
Sue: It looks lovely.
Alan: Well, it is. It cost two grand. Two grand.That’s, by the way that’s the kind of thing you’ll be seeing throughout the series, lot’s of money spent on expensive items. Now, you won the hearts of the British public when last year, you trotted off with the world championship.
Sue: Yes.
Alan: How did that feel?
Sue: Oh, great.
Alan: Really?
Sue: Really great.
Alan: Right, yeah. And was the horse, was your horse, Radaveve, we he aware of the excitement?
Sue: Oh, yes.
Alan: Erm, what did you, did you give him a treat afterwards?
Sue: Yes.
Alan: What? Did you go up and tickle his belly? No, actually, that’s a dangerous area. I’m thinking of that man with the dolphin. Now, Sue, let’s move on to the anecdotes. Do the anecdote. Do it now.
Sue: Well, all it was was that when you transport a horse to an event, in a horse box, you have to do it very carefully. And it takes a lot of time and effort and so on. The owner of Radaveve, Maxwell Henderson, was driving us up to…
Alan: Just get to the bit about the horse box on the road.
Sue: Right. We were driving up the motorway, and err…
Alan: She was driving up the motorway with this man in a car. Sorry, I’m doing the story for you. Please.
Sue: Right, we were driving up the motorway, and Maxwell decided he needed a drink. So we stopped off at some shops in Newbury…
Alan: Right. Sorry, Sue can I just interrupt you? I’ve just been told that Roger Moore has just passed Heston Services, and should be with us very soon. Sorry Sue, carry on.
Sue: I’ve forgotten where I was. Where was I?
Alan: I’ve absolutely no idea. That’s not working, abandon that. Go on to the other story.
Sue: Oh, I remember, I remember.
Alan: All right, go back.
Sue: Right. We stopped at some shops in Newbury so that Maxwell could get a drink. Water or cup of tea or something. And I wanted to buy something to read…
Alan: So you bought a book.
Sue: So I bought a book. And the point is that it was a very small book shop, and they were catering for sort of mass audience.
Alan: Be quicker.
Sue: So, I went in, and I bought a book, and when I was going back out to where the horse box…
Alan: That’s no quick. She bought a book, she got in the car and the book was called “Killing Horses”. And the driver thought she was some sort of murderess. She explained she was just buying the book, it was hilarious.
Sue: It was the only book…
Alan: That’s the end of the story. That’s the end of the story. OK. Now, it says here Hawaii. What happened in Hawaii? Exotic location, give me spice.
Sue: I lost my luggage.
Alan: Oh dear. What happened?
Sue: Well, it turned up in Brasilia.
Alan: Oh, disaster! What next?
Sue: Well, it was fine, there was nothing missing or anything.
Alan: You see, that’s no good. That’s an incident. It’s not an anecdote. You’ve got down here in your press release anecdote. And that’s dishonest. It’s no good for a chat show. Just for future reference, otherwise you waste peoples time.
Sue: Thanks.
Alan: Not to worry, we’ve got a surprise for you. In this, one of the regular features of the series called “Up Alan’s Sleeve”. Well, Sue Lewis, this week I have for you, up my sleeve, a horse. And a jump! Bring on the horse, and the jump.

(A horse and a jump are presented on stage)

Alan: It’s not your horse, we couldn’t get your horse, so it’s just “a horse”. Now, isn’t he a beauty?
Sue: She.
Alan: She.Yes, you’re absolutely right. Sue, we’ve got the horse, we’ve got the jump. I know I’ve sprung this on you, but will you rise to the challenge, will you jump the jump?
Sue: Oh, no, I can’t.
Alan: She doesn’t want to do it. (To the audience) Do you want her to jump the jump?
Audience: Yes!
Alan: Will you jump the jump?
Sue: No, I really can’t. This is a concrete floor. The horse has very delicate legs. And it would damage the horse.
Alan: Can we gaffer tape some sponges to the horses hooves?
Sue: That wouldn’t work, it would break the horses legs. It really can’t be done. “Please don’t break my legs” she’s saying.
Alan: Don’t do that. Alright, get rid of the horse, and the jump. (Points to the horse excrement on the floor) That’s your fault.
Sue: She was nervous.
Alan: You really ought to get a dustpan and brush and tidy that up. That could have been spectacular. We could have had a horse jump, now we’ve got a lump of dung.
Sue: Sorry.
Alan: We’ll that’s it, I’ve got nothing else to say.
Sue: No more questions?
Alan: No. Have you got any questions?
Sue: Have you ever ridden a horse?
Alan: Yes, I have. I went pony trekking, when I was a schoolboy, in Cornwall. It’s like one of your stories that, isn’t it? Ladies and gentleman, Sue Lewis.

Alan introduces his next guest:
Alan: Fame, I’m going to live forever… (Sue goes to sit down) …Stay there Sue! Fame, I’m going to learn how to fly. Of course, I’m not. But in a sense, my next guest did. Two years ago he was presenting “The Loony Breakfast Show” on Radio Leeds. Now he’s topped the ratings as the new host of “This Is Your Life”. He’s a trooper. I think he’s super. Please welcome, super trooper, Keith Hunt.

Alan: Ahh, oh dear. Knowing me Alan Partridge, knowing you Keith Hunt a-ha.
Keith: A-ha. Am I right?
Audience: You’re not wrong!
Alan: I don’t believe it! You’re only on five seconds and you’ve got a catch phrase on already!
Keith: I like to slip it in early, if you know what I mean! You all right Sue?
Sue: You’re not wrong!
Keith: She’s a barrel of laughs. Pity it’s empty! Am I right?
Audience: You’re not wrong!
Keith: Only joking, Sue.
Alan: No, you really are not wrong. Now, Keith. “This Is Your Life”, that show is a British institution. You’ve taken it and you’ve revolutionised it. Because you now do it as a surprise party from the celebrities’ home. What a brilliantly original idea. Where did you get it from?
Keith: America.
Alan: Sue, you were on “This Is Your Life” recently.
Sue: Yes.
Alan: Was that fun?
Sue: It was interesting.
Alan: We’ll see for ourselves fairly soon. But it certainly sounds like, a lot of fun. Let’s see the clip. See the clip.

(Cut to the clip of Sue on “This Is Your Life”)

Keith: Ssssh! She’s coming! (Sue walks into her living room) Hold your horses! It’s Sue Lewis! Am I right?
Crowd: You’re not wrong!
Keith: Where’s my book? (bloke dressed in a book (Big Red Book) enters scene)
Big Red Book: Hellooooo!
Keith: It’s big, it’s red, he’s a book. It’s Big Red Book, yeeeeaaah! Ey up Sue, “This Is Your Life”.

(Cut’s back to Knowing Me, Knowing You)

Alan: Ah, dear. Sue, how was that?
Sue: Well, it was fun. I mean, I felt that….
Alan: Rubbish, crass, putrefying cack, drivel. That’s what Melvin Bragg said about your show. Why?
Keith: Because, he’s frightened of me. Oh yeah. I deliver four times as many viewers as him. And he knows, that if I presented the “South Bank Show”, which I may do, I quite like art. Then Melvin Bragg, would be stacking shelves in Tesco first thing Monday morning. Am I right?
Audience: You’re not wrong.
Alan: You know, he shouldn’t criticize it because it’s a British institution. You couldn’t get more British. It’s as English as fish and chips.
Keith: Bangers and mash.
Alan: The Tower of London. Sue, do you want to mention something British?
Sue: Erm, Crufts?
Alan: Erm. But you know, I mean, I would dearly love my show to be a British institution.
Keith: Oh, well you’ve got to change your theme tune there. I mean, Abba, Swedish.
Alan: Yeah, yeah. Well that’s a Swedish institution isn’t it. You can’t get more Swedish. As Swedish as Ikea.
Keith: Volvo.
Alan: Sue, do you want to mention something that’s Swedish?
Sue: The vegetable, swede.
Alan: Yeah! Oh yeah! Swede’s are, Swedish don’t have a bad life when you think about it. I mean, they get up in the morning, have a bowl of swede. Hop in the Volvo, whack on a bit of Abba and zip over to Ikea. I mean, you know, that’s my Sunday. Apart from the swede. Now, Keith. I have Kellogg’s Common Sense. Erm, now Keith. What’s the secret of your success?
Keith: I’m an ordinary bloke.
Alan: Right. Am I an ordinary bloke?
Keith: Dead ordinary.
Alan: Good. Good?
Keith: It’s good.
Alan: Right:
Keith: Every Saturday, I go to the footy with me kid. I go down the pub with me mates. Pint of bitter, game of darts. First thing I do when I fly up to Leeds.
Alan: Yeah, I’m the same. I can often be found in Norwich, you know, propping up the bar at The Pheasant Brasserie.
Keith: Sunday lunch. Sunday lunch, roast beef, Yorkshire pud, cup of team, magic.
Alan: I’m the same. Down The Harvester, sunday platter, glass of wine. Cheers.
Keith: We’re ordinary. Ordinary, ordinary, ordinary.
Alan: But, a big but. Keith, you do extra-ordinary things. Because I have a local paper from Keith’s area here.
Keith: Hey, what’s going on here?
Alan: A local paper which has a little story here.
Keith: No, no, no, don’t embarrass me.
Alan: No, come on…
Keith: I’m not here to talk about meself.
Alan: Sssh! Now, this, now is a story about Keith. Now I can either read it, or you. Do you want to tell the story?
Keith: All right. All right.
Alan: Listen to this.
Keith: The headmaster of the local school where me kid goes, he knocks on me door last week. He says “Keith, we’re having a raffle to raise money for a minibus for the kids. Will you host it?” I said “How much does this minibus cost?” He says “Eighteen grand” I said…
Alan: Hang on Keith, can I just stop you there? I’ve just been told that Roger Moore is at Chiswick roundabout. So he should be with us very soon indeed. Stay tuned, stay tuned. Keith, sorry carry on.
Keith: He said “Eighteen grand” I said “Here’s twenty, buy the kids a minibus and take them for a fun day out at Alton Towers”.
Alan: What a nice man.
Keith: You’ve got to put a bit back. And it’s tax deductible.
Alan: Yeah, I’m thinking along the same lines. I”m thinking of “Alan Partridge’s Espace for the elderly”.
Keith: Go for it.
Alan: I will. Now, Keith, you like surprises. By the way, thanks for brining that paper in. And you, well done. And you like surprises, and we have now got a surprise for you. Because it’s time once again to go “Up Alan’s Sleeve”. Earlier on I had a horse up my sleeve, and a jump, for Sue Lewis. Well, people are asking “Alan, what have you got up your other sleeve?”. Well, it’s a child. I’ve got a child up my sleeve.
Keith: Hey, what’s going on.
Alan: And Keith, it’s a child you know very well because you produced him, he’s here tonight, your very own son, Sam Hunt.

(Sam Hunt appears at the top of the stairs)

Alan: Now, Keith…
Keith: All right, Sam?
Alan: All right, Sam? Keith, Sam is your only son, from your marriage which was dissolved some years ago. Now, because of access and custody laws, you’re only allowed to see him once a fortnight. So, you’re not allowed contact with him tonight, but I can speak to him. So you wait here while I go and speak to Sam Hunt.

Alan: Hello. Little terror.
Keith: All right, Sam? It’s dad.
Alan: Right, now I believe Keith you’ve got something very special to say to Sam today. It’s a very special day.
Keith: Yeah. Looking forward to next weekend, Sam. We’ll have a fund day out. Take you to the footy.
Alan: No, isn’t there something else you want to say to him?
Keith: See your dad on the telly last week?
Alan: No. Sam, do you want to tell your daddy?
Sam: It’s my birthday.
Alan: It’s your son’s birthday!
Keith: Yes! Yes, happy birthday, Sam.
Alan: What have you got for him?
Keith: (Reaches in his pocket for some money) Give him this.
Alan: No, Keith, stay there. You know the law. There you go, your daddy’s got you ten pounds. But don’t despair, because we’ve got you a present. We’ve got you and Alan Partridge tie and blazer badge combination pack. There you go, take that. And, not only that, we’ve got him an all expenses paid trip to Disneyland with your mummy and her new partner this weekend!
Keith: No, no, no. No, no, no. No, I’ve got custody this weekend. She knows that.
Alan: Oh, no, it’s been arranged.
Keith: I’ve got custody, she knows it.
Alan: Let’s ask Sam. Where you going this weekend?
Sam: Disneyland.
Alan: Disneyland! Of course you are you little terror. Ladies and gentleman, Sam Hunt. That way, THAT WAY.

Alan: Great, marvelous. Funny feeling that backfired a bit.
Keith: Well, you know. You should have checked it out with me first.
Alan: Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realise you were going to forget your only son’s birthday.
Keith: Leave it.
Alan: Oh dear. I think I’ve blown my chances of being on “This Is Your Life”.
Keith: Oh, no, no, no. We couldn’t have you on the show.
Alan: Why?
Keith: We only have celebrities.
Alan: Sue, you got any children?
Sue: No, I haven’t.
Alan: I have, yeah. Fernando, he’s at Cambridge. And Denise. Denise’s birthday is on the 27th of May and Fernando’s is on the 6th of June. So, quite close together. We usually have a big family bash. All the family together. Solid as a rock. Do horses have birthdays?
Sue: Yes, they do.
Alan: Do you get them presents?
Sue: Sometimes.
Alan: Really? Even horses. (looks at Keith) Even horses.
Sue: He looks like a lovely boy, Sam.
Keith: Yeah, super lad.
Sue: How old is he?
Keith: Five.
Alan: Six. Six today. Am I right? I’m not wrong!
Keith: You do realise you are the only person in the country who still thinks Roger Moore’s going to turn up.
Alan: He’ll be here.
Keith: Where is he now?
Alan: Chiswick roundabout.
Keith: Chiswick roundabout to TV centre in ten minutes?
Alan: Yes.
Keith: How’s he getting here? Magic carpet?
Alan: If need be, yes. Ladies and gentlemen, Keith Hunt.

Alan: Now (turns to look behind him where there is still a pile of horse excrement) Could erm, could someone clear that shit away please? It’s just that I can see it… it’s in my picture. I don’t… People may associate it with me, I don’t want that… Time now for my next guest. If music be the food of love, play on. That’s what William Shakespeare said. I’m not William Shakespeare. But, I say pretty much the same thing. If music be the food of love, let’s eat it! Here with her new single “Mionday Morning”, I know the feeling, please welcome Shona McGough.

(Cut to a musical interlude, which starts off all nice and slow, then head’s into full metal type song. Alan is clearly disturbed)

Alan: No, no, no, no, no. Ladies and gentlemen, I must apologise. I had no idea of the full content of that song. Let me announce this now. If any young people are watching, let me say this: whilst it may be all well and good for a rock band to sing about such things, murder, whether it be domestic or street-bound genocide, is illegal in this country. All right? What was that?
Shona: It was a song.
Alan: Well, I mean… it stated off so well. You whipped the skirt off, very like Bucks Fizz, Eurovision. And then… (one of the band members wanders off) Do yo mind standing round here as you were told? Please, come back? Erm, well. Shona McGough’s single is in the shops, you want to buy that, annoy your neighbours. Yes, I’ve just been told Roger Moore is at Chiswick roundabout. What’s he still doing there? He shouldn’t’ be there.

Alan: I’ll fill in now with a couple of minutes chat with Shona McGough. She’s beat me to it, oh dear. I need a chair. Sue, Sue Lewis, I need your chair, come on. Just sit round there. Erm, well, if you’ve just tuned in, you’re watching “Knowing Me, Knowing You with Alan Partridge”. It’s not quite what we planned. It’s a bit crazy, but what the heck. Say what you like, but you can’t say it’s not interesting. Please, please don’t say that. (One of the band members sticks her finger in Alan’s ear) Don’t do that, get off! Stop it! Please. This is interesting, a lady drummer! Very good. Close your eyes, could have been a man. Very good.
Drummer: Thanks a lot!
Guitar Player: (Deep Scottish accent) I really fancy you, you know.
Alan: What?
Guitar Player: I think you’re really sexy.
Alan: Really?
Guitar Player: No.
Alan: Erm, Shona. Do you want to put those pears back, please? I really would rather you didn’t… mess with those pears. (Shona starts dishing out pears to the guests) Please, really, honestly. I really would rather you didn’t.. Oh, what the heck, rock and roll! Let’s all have a pear! Let me ask you this, question I’ve always wanted to ask a Scottish woman. What has a Scotsman got underneath his kilt?
Shona: His penis.
Alan: Oh for god’s sake. I know exactly what you’re thinking. You all think, right, I’m a big square. Let me tell you something. I’ve seen what you done, I’ve seen it all before. I’ve inhaled hashish. I’ve worn tall shoes. I’ve had an afro haircut. I went on all-weekend binges to Prestatyn to see Wings. And I’ll tell you something else; Chirs De Burgh, Mike Oldfield, Jean Michel Jarre and The Eagles could eat you lot for breakfast. (to Keith) You’re quite.
Keith: Just enjoying the show, mate.
Alan: Let’s move onto the next section of the show, which is entitled “An Audience With Roger Moore”. And to help me with that, I’m going to invite Shona, Sue and Keith, NOT the band, to join me in the Roger Moore room for “An Audience With roger Moore”

Alan: Here we are, in the Roger Moore room. For “An Audience With Roger Moore”. The idea was, basically, that Roger could come in here and sit where Sue is sitting and just chat about all these things. We’re surrounded by memorabilia from Roger’s glittering career in films and television. There’s a little James Bond car there. See, little man flies out, that’s nice. There’s a golden gun there, that’s from “The Man With The Golden Gun”. There’s a gold ingot there, and that’s from the film “Gold” in which he co-starred with Susannah York. There’s a “Saint” annual there, was going to get Roger to read aloud from that with his lovely warm brown voice.
Keith: Al, jog me memory. In which of Rogers’ films does it feature three ducks on the wall?
Alan: Ah! They are not ducks, they are wild geese. From the film “The Wild Geese”. With Roger Moore playing the cigar-chomping mercenary.
Sue: Oh yes.
Alan: Sorry?
Sue: Oh yes.
Alan: Oh yes. Yeah. This was the show opening, it was going to be marvelous. Curtains, curtains (Curtains raise and reveal a picture of Roger Moore as James Bond). Roger Moore! Roger Moore, the quintessential English gentleman.
Keith: Who’s not here.
Alan: Now, I was going to start, Roger would have loved this, I was going to introduce myself by doing this, this is fantastic (Alan sits down in a chair with his back to the guests and twists around stroking a cat) A-ha Mr Bond!. I’ve been expecting you! Which I had. Would have been fantastic.
Sue: What’s that?
Alan: That’s a nipple. Now…
Sue: What?
Alan: That’s a nipple. From “The Man With The Golden Gun”, it’s a third nipple. The Scaramanga, had three nipples. That’s a gold finger.
Shona: Sean Connery was “Goldfinger”
Alan: Well done! That was a trick object.
Shona: Sean Connery was the better Bond, anyway.
Alan: Well, you know, interesting you take that position. The Scottish position. I mean, in the whole Roger versus Sean debate that’s been raging for the last twenty years, I have to say I’m firmly in the Roger camp. I believe no-one could sort of, wear a safari suit with the same degree of casuality as Roger.
Keith: It’s a complete shambles. You’re putting a brave face on. But he’s not here! You know, you tell the viewers…
Alan: Keith Hunt, let me stop you in your tracks there, Keith Hunt. You can eat your hat now, because, ladies and gentlemen, I can confirm Roger Moore is on the show. We’re having him on the show, right now live by telephone link-up from the car. On a mobile phone. Hello, Roger, hello, Roger?
Roger Moore: Hello, Alan.
Alan: Oh, joy! Oh, Roger Moore! Knowing me Alan Partridge, knowing you Roger Moore, a-ha. (interference) Roger? No? All right, listen I’m going to cut straight to a key question, Roger. We don’t have have that much time: A hypothetical fist fight takes place between Simon Templar, “The Saint”, and Roger Moore, James Bond 007. Who wins? (more interference) Any thoughts on that, Roger? (more interference) Roger? Roger? Roger? ROGER?
Keith: Does the word “Titanic” mean anything to you?
Alan: Oh yeah, people go on about “Titanic, Titanic”. Let me tell you something about the Titanic, people forget. People forget that on the Titanic’s maiden voyage, there were over a thousand miles of uneventful very pleasurable cruising before it hit the iceberg. Anyway, we had him on the show. He was on the show.
Keith: That doesn’t count! Face it, mate, he’s Roger the dodger. Am I right?
Audience: You’re not wrong!
Alan: All right, point taken. Point taken. We can still rescue it. Let’s turn the situation around. Let’s call this section of the show “Right To Reply With Alan Partridge”. If you’ve got any criticisms, let me hear them, I can deal with it.
Keith: Criticisms? A horse takes a dump on your show. No manners, but what a critic. You know, you get a horse with a jump on, she won’t jump it.
Sue: No, it wasn’t that I wouldn’t jump it, I really couldn’t do it.
Keith: You were right not to…
Shona: You’ve never heard of us, you slag us off the minute we come on, you don’t get any phone back. We’re vegetarians, we get ham sandwiches.
Keith: You get me own kid on, that is well out of order. You just don’t do that when the Director General of the BBC…
Alan: Up yours! Up yours!
Sue: You can’t say that.
Alan: Kiss my arse! And on that bombshell, it’s time for me to say; Knowing me Alan Partridge, knowing you Scotch lady, woman. Knowing you, The Hunt. And knowing you, Mrs Mouse. And I’ve just been told, Roger Moore has just checked into Claridges, were he’s ordered room service. A-ha!