Cast: Steve Coogan (Alan Partridge), Phil Cornwell (Dave Clifton), Barbara Durkin (Susan), Simon Greenall (Michael), Felicity Montagu (Lynn Benfield), Sally Phillips (Sophie), David Schneider (Tony Hayers),Peter Baynham (Hugh Morris), Doon Mackichan (Jenny), Christopher Morris (Peter Baxendale Thomas), Simon Pegg (Steve Bennett), James Lance (Ben)
Synopsis: Alan becomes a hated figure by the Norfolk farming community after he makes some negative comments about them on his radio show. This is only made worse when he invites Peter Baxendale Thomas, the local farmers’ union representative, on his show only to insult him and his members further. It doesn’t take long, though, for the farmers to take revenge. During the shooting for a Hamilton’s Water Breaks commercial, Alan is hounded by farmers to the point where some scenes have to be overdubbed. The farmers act out their final revenge by dropping a dead cow from a bridge onto a boat in which Alan is shooting the final scenes of the commercial. After being hospitalised, Alan returns to his hotel room, sporting a neck brace and a broken finger. Feeling sorry for himself, he asks Susan to restore his access to the porn channels on the in-room satellite TV system.
Opening Credits quote: Put that in the bin
Alan is in the Radio Norwich studio pottering around while a farmer is talking on his phone in “This Mornings’ Farmer”:
Farmer: Then we bring the cows in, get them milked by 6AM…
Alan: You’re listening to “This Mornings’ Farmer. Go on, you were talking about cow bringing-in.
Farmer: Yeah we bringing them in for milkin’, then all that can go…
Alan: Pop the straight jacket on them?
Alan: Thanks very much for being ‘This Mornings’ Farmer’, Robert Moon. Robert, did you have your breakfast this morning?
Farmer: Well I reckon the way things are going…
Alan: Can you just answer ‘yes’ for the purposes of a joke?
Alan: In which case you must be a ‘full moon’. Hello?
Farmer: Still ‘ere.
Alan: Yeah, I was making a pun on your name.
Farmer: Oh right.
Alan: Anyway, thank you very much for being ‘This Mornings’ Farmer’.
(Old MacDonald tune plays with a loud cow moo at the end)
Alan: Sorry about that. Robert a bit slow on the uptake there. Don’t know what he had for breakfast. Presumably an infected spinal column in a bap. Just making a quick joke there about how infected cattle feed can attack the central nervous system. It’s just coming up to 5:35am.
Kommen Sie bitte, und listen to Kraftwerk.
Still in the studio, Alan continues with his phone in competition ‘Cock-a-doodle Who’ which turns into a angry phone-in.
Alan: Let’s get back to ‘Cock-a-doodle Who!’ [Sound bite of a cockerel crowing with Alan at the end saying ‘who’] And I asked, who invented the skip? Jack on line two.
Jack: Morning Alan. Err. Look.
Alan: Good morning.
Jack: I just wanted to say your comments earlier about farmers was ignorant and offensive.
Alan: Who invented the skip?
Jack: I don’t care who invented the skip, I think it’s way out of order…
Alan: Who invented the skip?
Jack: …you speak like a man who has no knowledge…
Alan: Who invented the skip?
Jack: …of his subject you are talking about, right.
Alan: Who invented the skip?
Jack: I don’t know who invented the bloody skip, Bobby Moore, I don’t bloody know do I? I’m just sick and tired of you slagging farmers off. Are you going to apologise to them all on your show. Are ye?
Alan: Come on, I mean you must know some of the rotten rubbish you produce. I mean tongue for example. Who eats tongue for goodness sake? Imagine a tongue sticking out of a sesame seed cob?
Jack: Listen, you make these comments without any real knowledge about the pressures that we’re under. I just didn’t find it very funny that’s all.
Alan: Well I wouldn’t eat one of your tomatoes if it came up and said “eat me”. Which is not unlikely, considering all the rubbish you stick in ‘em.
Jack: You ignorant shit!
(Alan hits the sound bite button for the cockerel crowing)
Alan continues with his phone-in. With his hand ready on the sound effects button to cut out any expletives:
Alan: Caroline, line four. Hello.
Caroline: Hello, Alan.
Caroline: Hello yeah, have you got a brain or is your head just full of shit?
(Alan hits the sound bite button for a cow mooing)
Alan: Ok, Mike from Polgrave, are you there sir?
Mike: Oh you ignorant cu…
(Alan hits the sound bite button for a fan fare)
In his hotel room, Alan is exercising while singing “Melting Pot”. Michael is present, cleaning out an air vent:
Alan: “Take a pinch of white man, wrap him up in black skin”, what’s the next bit?
Michael: Err, “add a dash of blue blood”
Alan: “Add a dash of blue blood”
Michael: And a “liddle biddy bit Red Indian boy”
Alan: “And, something else in Geordie”
Michael: This hasn’t been cleaned out for years. Hey, there’s a little Japanese soldier in here still fightin’ the war!
Alan: You daft racist!
Alan: “Curly black and kinky, mixed with yellow chinky”. Can you still say that?
Michael: Oh you’re alright with that like, ‘cause it’s a race of people, and it’s a food.
Alan: Chinese. Yeah, you’re absolutely right.
Alan receives a phone call from a prospective corporate gig:
Alan: Partridge? Yes I’ll hold [Turns to Michael] I’m possibly up for presenting a ‘Hamiltons Water Breaks’ video. You know, on the Norfolk Broads? I tell you how I found out about this job, Bill Oddie… [Continues his phone call] Hello? Yes. No, the last corporate job I did was for err, a company that makes toner for photocopiers. No, no I was dressed as an exclamation mark. I walked out after five minutes it was demeaning. Had to flag a cab dressed up, which helped actually.
Well I’ll be delighted to do the job. Hang on, you can’t book me and ask me to pull out when Cliff Thorburn becomes available again. Well no look, you’ve got a choice. You can either book me now or wait for Cliff Thorburn. But if Cliff Thorburn goes AWOL you’re up slack alley, now who’s it to be, me or Cliff Thorburn. Thank you very much indeed. Kiss my face!
Alan: I am going to present a corporate video for Hamiltons Water Breaks.
Alan, all pleased with the corporate gig for Hamilton’s Water Breaks heads to the bathroom to discuss Michaels travelling days:
Alan: Ooh, wai-yai. That sounds Geordie, doesn’t it? Wai-yai. Ever been to the Far East, Michael?
Michael: Well err, only to Manila, Hong Kong and Bangkok, like.
Alan: Erm, so what did you see in Bangkok?
Michael: Ahh, I saw the Golden Temple man. Beautiful it was.
Alan: Yeah, what else?
Michael: Err, well there’s a river market right. All the little boats come up and they’ve got all the fresh produce and that…
Alan: Michael, Michael, Michael, Michael come on. Tell me about the lady boys.
Michael: Oh you mean those transsexuals? Aye, I seen them but, you know, they’re disgustin’. I kept away from ‘em.
Alan: Oh god yeah. Fascinating creatures though. Looks like a lady, but really it’s a man. I don’t find them attractive, it’s just confusing. Don’t suppose you’ve got any army stories about them?
Michael: I did hear aboot this corporal right, and he’s in the third battalion this lad, but he’s right mean ok? And he gaans’ oot in Bangkok right, and all the prostitutes is coming up and saying ‘how much?’. And he’s goin’ ‘I’m not paying that’ right? And then this beautiful lassy comes up. [At this point, Lynn is making her way to Alans’ room, knocks quietly on the door and enters]
Michael: [Continuing the story] She’s gorgeous man, and she’s half the price of the others. And they’re getting doon to it. He puts his hand up her skirt, gets a hold of the old ‘meat and two veg’ right. And thinks ‘hang on, I’ve paid me money I’m gonna have summit’. So he flips ‘em over and ffffffff [Michael looks up and notices Lynn has entered the room] And funnily enough, it lands on its wheels and it starts first time and they just drive away.
Alan: [Alan hasn’t noticed Lynn in the room, and as such he is confused by the way the story has changed direction] Strangest story I’ve ever heard. Oh hello Lynn! Oh I see what you were… ahh right, yes. Michael was just telling me an army story about a friend of his who, slept with… a Land Rover. Lonely nights in the desert.
Michael: That’s all fixed now Mr Partridge, I’ll be on my way.
Alan: Right, OK.
Michael: [Acknowledges Lynn on his way out] Mornin’
Alan: [Stops Michael before he leaves] Just check, that wasn’t the real ending to the story, was it?
Michael: No, no.
Alan: Just saying that because Lynn’s here?
Alan: Right, fine.
Lynn: Just a few things Alan. We’ve had a call from Norwich Radio. There’ve been more complaints from farmers about what you said.
Alan: Right. How many?
Alan: Oh, your age!
Alan: Well, Hamilton’s have…
Lynn: Alan, you’ve err, come free at the side.
Alan: Oh, sorry. It was a genuine mistake. Anyway, I’ve got the Hamilton’s job.
Lynn: Yes, I’ve been speaking to them. They’re coming over this afternoon.
Lynn: Did they say that you have to have your wife on the shoot?
Alan: Argh, Lynn did tell them that my wife has left me and she’s living with a narcissistic sports pimp?
Lynn: You’ve… You’ve popped out again!
Alan: That wasn’t deliberate, I promise you. It’s not a cry for help. I’ve had these shorts since 1982. They did have an underpant lining, but it’s perished. They’ve taken a bit of a pounding over the years. Can you get me some new ones please?
Alan rings his ex-wife Carol to see if she will appear in his corporate video. He begins to dial then passes the phone to Lynn.
Alan: I’m going to have to ring Carol and ask if she’ll do the corporate video. [Alan picks up the phone and starts dialing] Lynn, Lynn. Lynn, you speak to her. Please?
Lynn: Hello? Oh, yes he is [Turns to Alan] It’s a man.
Alan: Oh, that’s her boyfriend [Alan takes the phone from Lynn] Hello? Yeah, it’s Alan. Your lovers’ husband. Yeah. The immersion heater? It’s underneath the stairs. You only really need to press that if you’re having a deep bath. Well, put it on an hour before, Bob’s your uncle, you’ve got a deep bath. Yeah well, if you would please, yes. [Turns to Lynn] He’s gone to get Carol, you speak to her. You speak to her.
Lynn to Carol: Hello Carol, how are you? [Alan signals to Lynn to speed up the conversation] Carol would you like to be in Alan’s corporate video? Right
Lynn to Alan: She says no and she wants to speak to you.
Alan: Tell her I’m not here.
Lynn to Carol: He’s not here.
Lynn to Alan: She says she can hear you voice.
Alan: Call her a fat cow then hang up.
Lynn to Carol: Fat cow!
Alan: Well done Lynn. Now, before we get up I’m just going to warn you, I have popped out again. It’s in no way connected with our proximity. So just don’t turn round. [Alan untangles himself from the telephone line that is still wrapped around himself and Lynn] Right, the boys are back in the barracks! Take a pinch of white man.
Alan is fully dressed by now and heading down to reception with Lynn. All is quiet and the look on Alan’s face after this dialogue is classic Alan Partridge!:
Alan: What we need is a great big melting pot. Big enough to take the world, and all it’s got. Keep it turning…
Lynn: I can pretend to be your wife! [Alan isn’t impressed with what Lynn said, and there is an uncomfortable silence]
Alan makes his way out of the lift, in front of Lynn and heads for the hotel reception desk to speak to Susan. Lynn just heads out of the hotel:
Susan: Hello Alan.
Alan: Lynn’s a good worker. But I suppose she’s a bit like Burt Reynolds. Very reliable but she’s got a moustache. Bit like lady boys. Look like a woman, but really it’s a man. I don’t find them attractive, it’s just confusing.
Alan: Morning Sophie, you’re not a man are you.
Sophie. No. Would you settle this month’s bill please?
Alan: £8 ‘miscellaneous services’? That sounds disconcertingly vague.
Sophie: You used this pay channel. [Sophie begins to write down the pay channel on a piece of paper]
Alan: Ahh right yeah. It’s very confusing. Sophie, I find the pay channels very confusing. Can I just explain, I was trying to access “Driving Miss Daisy”.
Sophie: And that’s why you only watched it for fifteen minutes.
Alan: Yes, because it was the wrong film. Have you seen it? Is it good?
Sophie: What? “Driving Miss Daisy” or “Bangkok Chick Boys”?
Alan: “Driving Miss Daisy”. Is it a good film?
Sophie: Don’t know, I haven’t seen it. Was “Bangkok Chick Boys” good?
Alan: I don’t know I didn’t see it. I couldn’t see it because I was in the bathroom.
Sophie: Oh, Ben. Mr Partridge was just saying he couldn’t see “Bangkok Chick” Boys from his bathroom.
Ben: Well you can if you angle the mirror by the door. D’you want me to show ye?
Alan: No! I only watched it for five minutes! It’s the remote control’s confusing.
Ben: Oh! What you will have done is, when it flashed up on your screen ‘do you want to watch “Bangkok Chick Boys”, you must have pressed the button that says ‘yes’.
Alan: Yeah, as I say it’s very confusing.
Ben: D’you want me to come up and show you how to press the button that says ‘No’?
Alan: Yes. Yes, I want to show me the button that says ‘No’.
Ben: Oh, and I’ll show you that mirror thing.
Alan: Look, erm. D’you want me to settle this bill?
Sophie: Err, no. I mean yes! You’re right it is confusing isn’t it.
Alan: [Looking really pissed off at this stage] Yes.
Alan and Michael would make a great double act. Alan is in the bar with his corporate video script, and Michael is serving behind the bar. In typical Alan Partridge fashion, ordering a drink is convoluted:
Michael: Oh. Hello Mr Partridge. Drink?
Alan: No. Have you got any tonic water?
Alan: with err, some ice, and a segment of lemon. And can you top it up with some Gordons Gin?
Michael: A gin and tonic?
Alan: Yeah, that’s right, yeah fine.
Alan to Lynn: Ahh, hello.
Lynn: The gentlemen from the corporate video are on their way.
Alan: Excellent. Well, I’ve done my homework. Would you like a drink?
Lynn: Oh! Thank you! Well, I’ll have a Baileys.
Alan to Michael: One small Baileys, please.
Alan to Lynn: Lynn, I was thinking of getting a substitute wife, and I would really love you… [Lynn’s face lights up with the prospect of being Alan’s substitute wife] …to go down to Sol Dangerfields Casting Agency… [Lynn’s face drops] …and tell ‘em to get me a forty year old scorcher. And do use that word.
Steve Bennett and Hugh Morris from the corporate video turn up to have a chat with Alan about the Hamilton’s Water Breaks shoot:
Steve: Are you Alan Partridge?
Steve: Hi, I’m Steve Bennett. I’m the director of the Hamilton’s Water Breaks video.
Alan: Right, we spoke on the phone.
Steve: This is Hugh Morris, he’s the Marketing Director for Hamilton’s. He’s going to be coming along with us. Sort of keeping an eye on us.
Alan: And make sure I don’t sink the boat and don’t drown everyone like a big twit!
Hugh: [Using a voicebox] No I’ll be down the pub probably.
Hugh: I’ll be down the pub getting the beers in!
Alan: Why are you speaking like that?
Hugh: Oh, it’s a voice box.
Alan: That’s great fun. Do you get those at a toy shop?
Hugh: Alan, I haven’t got any vocal chords.
Alan: You sound like the girl in “The Exorcist.”
Alan: I’ve got to say, I love the script. It’s superb. There’s a lovely phrase in it, which says, “Boating appeals to both friends and family alike”. Lovely phrase, very simple, very moving.
Steve: Alan, it’s a boat video. You know. We’re not making a James Bond movie.
Alan: Interesting, because you do sound like a baddie in a James Bond film. [Points at Hugh] Dr. No… vocal chords.
Steve: No, no, Alan, we want to keep it simple. That’s why we hired you. You’re a local fella, you know, that means good communications with tradesmen, with landlords, with farmers, and at the end of the day, the pubs are open, and we’ll be in there getting pissed, really!
Alan: Sounds good to me! Michael, do you want to pop that in the bin
Alan: Just some notes I made last night, for a laugh. I was drunk, you know. Yeah, I mean, I woke up this morning asleep on the sink, just like this… [leans on the bar with his eyes closed] …I’d been asleep for eight hours like that. Got up, walked downstairs, straight downstairs. Had breakfast, didn’t even wash my hands. ‘Cause I’m a bloody bloke!
Alan: Yeah. Anyway, there’s the bar, gentlemen. Choose your weapons.
Hugh and Steve: What?
Alan: I’m offering you a drink.
Steve: Oh, right.
Hugh: Now you’re talking my language!
Alan: I hope not.
Steve: Pint of lager.
Hugh: Pint of lager.
Alan: Two lagers. Three lagers.
Michael: Three pints of lager, righty-ho.
Steve: You’re having a lager and these two drinks here?
Alan: Yes, yes. These… are… they’re chasers.
Steve: I’ve never had one of those.
Alan: You’ve never had a lager and gin and tonic and Bailey’s Irish Cream chaser?
Alan: You big girls’ bras!
Hugh: Has that got a name, that drink?
Alan: Yeah, they’re called, err, Lady-boys.
Steve: Right, because gin and tonic and Baileys are, like, a lady’s drink, lager’s a boy’s drink?
Alan: That’s why I said that. Cheers. [Alan takes a swig from the lager, then the Baileys, then the Gin and tonic] Ooh, Lady-boys. D’you want one?
Steve and Hugh: Yeah, yeah.
Alan: Great! Three, no, four Lady-boys.
Michael: Four Lady-boys, righty-ho.
Alan: How much is that?
Michael: That’ll be, er, thirty-three pound.
Alan: Well, here’s to a good corporate video, and lots of being men.
The camera fades out and back in. Alan is leaning on the bar with his eyes closed:
Steve: Alan? [Prods him]
Alan: Oh! I’m confused. What time is it?
Hugh: Six o’clock.
Alan: How long have we been drinking?
Steve: Three quarters of an hour.
Alan: I think I’ll, erm, go to my room and, er, lean on the sink. I have a little bit of… sick.
Michael: Mr. Partridge, that’s the kitchens!
Alan: Yeah, I’m going to… cook all the food.
Steve: Alan, this is a hotel.
Alan: Three star.
Alan, clearly had one too many drinks call’s his ex-wife, Carol from his hotel room, where he is sitting on the bed. He has a rant to Carol about her boyfriends’ Renault Megane:
Alan: Hello, Carol? It’s Alan. How are you? Me? I’m having a fantastic time, yeah. I’m having the best time since… sliced bread.
How’s Mr. Planet of the Apes man? Oh. Is he still driving that Renault Megane? Yeah? Can I just read you something from Top Gear magazine? No, it’s alright, I’ve got it here, I’ve got it here.
“With a mere ninety break-horse-power available, progress is too leisurely to be called fast, but on the motorway in fifth gear the Megane’s slow pace really becomes a pain. Uphill runs become power-sappingly mundane, while overtaking National Express coaches can become a long, drawn-out affair.” Not my words, Carol. The words of Top Gear magazine. Hello?
Ben turns up at Alan’s rooms to switch off his access to adult channels:
Alan: [Knock at the door] Come in.
Ben: Hiya. I’ve come to show you how to use your tele.
Alan: Oh, oh yes. It’s very confusing.
Ben: Yeah. [Picks up the TV remote and starts flicking through channels] So that’s Sky Movies. Sports. CNN. Adult Channel, that’s your dirty movies.
Alan: Yeah, not really my cup of tea.
Ben: Well I can disconnect it. Put a scramble on it, just lock it out the system
Alan: Pffff, probably be a lot of trouble won’t it?
Ben: Not really. It’s just a… it’s just a switch.
Ben: Look, it’s up to you, yeah, you’re the boss. What you get up to in here, it’s your business.
Alan: I don’t get up to anything.
Ben: do you want me to disconnect it?
Ben: OK. [Flicks a switch on the back of the TV] There. That’s disconnected.
On the corporate video set, Alan walks over with his pint of bitter and sits down at a table in a pub beer garden. Steve, the video director and a couple of other men are sitting down having a pint. Alan clearly wants to be ‘one of the boys’ when they spot a couple of girls:
Alan: Alright, lads?
Men: Alright, Alan.
Alan: I got err, really drunk last night. I was sick everywhere. Were you sick?
Men: No, not really. No. [A couple of girls walk past] Look at the legs on that. Hello! All right?
Alan: Mmm. She was certainly err, first in the queue when God was handing out… chests, mammary glands. Ooh! I’d love to have it off with her. Oooooh-Urrgh! Sex!
Alan’s corporate video shoot is underway:
Alan’s voice over: For a British holiday with a difference on a boat, always choose Hamilton’s Water Breaks. With the melting of the polar ice caps, most of East Anglia will be underwater in the next thirty years. So make the most of the stunning fens before the floods come, causing a little concern for these local farmers I chatted to.
[Cut to a scene with Alan and his substitute wife]
Alan’s voice over: This is my wife and I going off to the local marketplace, where we could buy anything from plimsolls to posters of famous Hollywood stars.
[Cuts to Alan inside a boat]
Alan: This chemical toilet is a Saniflow 33. Now this little babe can cope with anything, and I mean anything. Earlier on I put in a pound of mashed-up Dundee cake. Let’s take a look. Not a trace. Peace of mind I’m sure, especially if you have elderly relatives on board.
[Cuts to a shot of Alan navigating a boat]
Alan: Ahhh, Try pedestrianising this!
Steve [Off-camera]: OK, can you hold that pose, now, Alan?
Farmers in the background: Partridge, you wanker!
Alan: We’ll dub that out. Play some music over it.
[Cuts to a scene with Alan and his substitute wife having something to eat]
Alan: How’s your friends?
Substitute Wife: Fine.
Alan’s voice over: It might look a bit pokey from the outside, but a Hamilton’s boat is deceptively large. My wife and I found it actually offers the kind of luxury and comfort you’d normally associate with a good quality static caravan.
You’re not having any bacon?
Substitute Wife: No, I’m vegetarian.
Alan: Yes… I know. Just a joke.
[Cut to a scene where Alan is interviewing a customer of Hamilton’s]
Alan: I’m joined by Alice, who’s not going to shrink me into a little bottle. She’s going to tell me about Hamilton’s Holiday Breaks. You regularly book, don’t you?
Alan: And do you do that with your boyfriend, or…?
Alice: No, I do it alone.
Alan: What, you book alone?
Alan: How old are you?
Alan: What do you do on a boat, alone?
Alice: Read a book, relax, look at the scenery.
Alan to the camera crew: No, she sounds weird. We can’t use that. Sorry, thank-you, love. Thank you. A bit odd.
Steve [Off-camera]: Cut!
Alan is back in the studio, interviewing Peter Baxendale Thomas from the Norfolk Farmers Union:
Alan: You’re joining me, Alan Partridge, and Peter Baxendale Thomas of the Norfolk Farmer’s Union. Now, yesterday I, sort of, trod in a rather large farmer’s pat when I made some comments about intensive farming. Where did I go wrong?
Peter: Well I think your comments were ill founded. They were deeply ignorant, they showed a complete lack of understanding of modern agricultural methods, and simply served to highlight the sort of intense stupidity that farmers encounter from armchair pundits who forget to think before they open their mouth. But with a full and frank apology that you’re about to give us this morning I’m sure you can dig yourself out of this rather ugly hole.
Alan: Yeah. Erm, sorry. Er, do you have any requests, anybody you want to say hello to, or…?
Peter: Look, I’m just trying to say that when you make ignorant comments like you did the other day, you serve simply to alarm the public and inflame the farmers, which is exactly what you’ve done. Why don’t you just apologise and make it nice and simple…
Alan: Moooooo! Thought that’d throw you. You could talk the hind-legs off a donkey. But your donkeys are probably born without hind legs because of all the chemicals you put in their chips.
Peter: Alan, I don’t have donkeys. And even if I did I wouldn’t feed them chips. This is exactly the sort of rubbish you came up with the other day when you talked about putting a spine in a bap.
Alan: I admit that was a mistake. I shouldn’t have said bap.
Peter: Well, good. Well, that’s a start.
Alan: Well, no, I should have said baguette. Because a spinal column would fit in a baguette.
Peter: Listen, listen… you’ve upset half the farmers in this community. You seem to alienate everybody you come across, including, I gather, your wife, which is why you end up living like some bloody tramp in a lay-by.
Alan: It’s a travel tavern.
Peter: I don’t care what you call your sordid little grief-hole. It makes no difference to me. The fact is that an awful lot of my colleagues are…
Alan: Are farmyard animals, yes.
Peter: You’re talking about my friends, here.
Alan: I’ve probably got more friends than you’ve got cows.
Peter: This is ridiculous.
Alan: How many cows have you got?
Peter: I’ve got a hundred cattle.
Alan: Yeah, I’ve got a hundred and four friends.
Peter: I don’t see what this is going to gain you. Why don’t you just issue a frank and full retraction of what you said, and you’ll get yourself out of a lot of silly bother.
Alan: Yeah, you are a big posh sod with plums in your mouth.
Peter: I don’t think it’s got anything to do with class.
Alan: And the plums have mutated and they’ve got beaks.
Alan: Yes, beaks.
Peter: Have you got any more of this, or do you want to stop at quacking plums?
Alan: No, no. You make pigs smoke.
Peter: I want to know where you think you earned the right to go swanning off on these ludicrous flights of…
Alan: Ah, swans. You feed beefburgers to swans.
Peter: Do I?
Alan: Yes, you do.
Peter: All right, well, perhaps you can tell me what’s wrong with feeding beefburgers to swans?
Peter: Well if you fill a swan’s stomach up with beefburgers it’s full of fat and it’ll float better. That’s why we do it.
Peter: No, you complete cretin. I’m just contributing to this total farce. What else are you going to accuse me of?
Alan: I’ll tell you what. You farmers, you don’t like outsiders, do you? You like to stick to your own.
Peter: What do you mean by that?
Alan: I’ve seen the big-eared boys on farms.
Peter: Oh, for goodness’ sake.
Alan: If you see a lovely field with a family having a picnic, and there’s a nice pond in it, you fill in the pond with concrete, you plough the family into the field, you blow up the tree, and use the leaves to make a dress for your wife who’s also your brother.
Peter: Look, have I got anything else to say here or shall I go?
Alan: Well, listen, I’ll tell you what the point is. You have big sheds, but nobody’s allowed in, and inside these big sheds are twenty-foot high chickens. Because of all the chemicals you put in them. And these chickens are scared. They don’t know why they’re so big. They go “oh why am I so massive?” And they’re looking down on all the other little chickens, and they think they’re in an aeroplane because all the other chickens are so small… do you deny that? [Peter has left] No. His silence, I think, speaks volumes.
Peter has left, and Lynn steps into the sound booth and sits with Alan while he is still on-air:
Alan: And… and basically, do you agree that everything I’ve said thus far is completely correct?
Lynn [Impersonating Peter]: Yes. [In a deeper voice] Yes.
Alan: And do you also run over badgers in your tractor, for fun?
Alan: Thank you, Peter Baxendale Thomas. This is T’Pau.
Lynn: How did it go?
Alan: Oh, you know. Up and down.
Lynn: More bad news, I’m afraid. The actress playing your wife can’t do the filming today.
Alan: Oh for gods… Why not?
Lynn: Well, she’s got a part in “The Bill” She’s playing a shoplifter.
Alan: Oh. That’s quite good! Oh well, we’ll just have to think of something.
Alan is back on the corporate video set, with another replacement wife:
Production Crew: Scene thirteen, take two.
Alan: One of the benefits of global warming and international terrorism, is that more and more people are holidaying in England. I’ll drink to that. Cheers. [Alan turns to Steve off camera] How was that, OK?
Steve [Off camera]: It’s not working, you can tell.
Alan: Really [Alan’s wife turns round to the camera and reveals a man with a wig]
Alan improvises again with another replacement wife:
Production Crew: Scene thirteen, take three.
Alan: One of the benefits of global warming and international terrorism, is… [What is quite clearly a dummy, falls forward towards Alan] …You all right there love? [Alan re-positions the dummy]
Standing on the bow of the barge, his dummy wife is positioned next to him. In the background, the farmers surround an ominous large dark object, on a bridge over the river:
Alan [To his dummy wife]: Absolutely! [Then to the camera] The Norfolk Broads offer the true peace and tranquillity of the English countryside. A million miles from the urban decay of the Manchester Ship Canal, and the pot-smoking, whore-ridden waterways of Amsterdam. Indeed, disused cotton mills and legalised hardcore pornography are a million miles away from your thoughts as you negotiate the Norfolk Broads. In fact, the very fact that hardcore pornography is not on the agenda…
Alan is stopped mid-sentence by a large Friesian cow dropped on his head from above. The camera now moves frenetically around. Everyone talks at once:
Hugh: What’s going on? What’s going on?
Steve: It’s a cow. It’s a dead cow! Where the bloody hell did that come from?
Hugh: Where did the cow come from?
Steve: I know it’s not funny. I know it’s not funny.
Alan: Can you hear me? I’m trapped under a cow.
Steve: Alright, he’s OK. Look, get the cow of the boat please.
Hugh: Get that cow off the boat!
Alan: I’m not OK. I’m not OK. Help! I can feel an udder on my leg.
Steve: Call Cliff Thorburn now, please.
Alan: Cliff Thorburn is not, primarily, a presenter. He is a snooker – ex-snooker player – and is an unknown quantity.
Hugh: Yeah, but he’s not under a cow.
[Cut to a scene with Alan upright]
Alan: So book a holiday with Hamilton’s. ‘Wat-er-way’ to have a good time. Cheers!
Steve: [Off-camera]: Cut! OK, stick him in the ambulance. [Camera pulls back and Alan is attached to a stretcher] Lovely, great, well done.
Hugh: [Off-camera]: Cheers, Alan!
Alan: Thank you.
Hugh: Well done.
Alan: Good luck with the edit.
Alan is back at the Travel Tavern after being released from hospital. He settles on the bed and switches on the TV. Bored, he picks up the phone to call reception:
Alan: Hello, is that reception? Susan? Oh, hi. Can you make pornography come on my telly please? Oh, that’s very nice of you. Thank you. [Alan looks his bandaged hand, disappointed] Ohhh.