Episode 5 – To Kill A Mocking Alan

I'm Alan Partridge Series 1Written By: Peter Baynham, Steve Coogan, Armando Iannucci

Cast: Steve Coogan (Alan Partridge), Phil Cornwell (Dave Clifton), Barbara Durkin (Susan), Simon Greenall (Michael), James Lance (Ben), Felicity Montagu (Lynn Benfield), Sally Phillips (Sophie), Graham Linehan (Aidan Walsh), Arthur Mathews (Paul Tool), Ian Sharrock (Jed Maxwell)

Synopsis: Alan hosts “An Afternoon With Alan Partridge” at the Travel Tavern, which is essentially a scaled down version of his TV chat show, but not on TV. Present at the show are two executives from Irish television network, RTE. Things don’t go too well from the start. After inviting special guest, Sue Cook, she pulls out at the last minute. Sitting down for breakfast with the TV executives, Alan is completely ignorant about Irish history. After the executives walk out of the chat show, Alan attempts to salvage a chance with the executives by asking them back to his room, in his house. Unfortunately, his house is actually Jed’s house. A very strange and over-obsessive Alan Partridge fan, who has a devoted room to Alan, and has a tattoo of Alan’s face on his chest (that took 14 hours and he feinted three times). Eventually, the RTE executives clock on that something isn’t right, and abandon the house. Leaving Alan lumbered with his obsessed fan. A scuffle ensues, and Alan makes a break for it by pacifying Jed. After calling him a mentalist, Alan ends up driving down a dead end, ditches his car and flees in terror.

Opening Credits Quote: Just pop your elbow on there, you’ve locked the doors. Sometimes you don’t want to.

Alan is in the Radio Norwich studio, doing his early morning radio show, “Up With The Partridge”:

Alan to his listeners: That was Orchestral Manoeuvers in the Dark with some classic electro-rock from their album “Architecture and Morality”. Two subjects I’m sure we can discuss all night. Indeed the lines are open if you want to call, make a comment on either architecture or morality, two equally hot, but differently-shaped potatoes. Chips and… crinkle-cut chips.

So give me a call – PLEASE! Seriously though, DO give me a call. It’s 4:50am, the Queen is dead, long live the Kings’ Singers.

Now we’ve had several calls during the last few hours, about a humorous comment I made some time ago. Just to reassure you, the Queen is not dead. It was a humorous intro into a song which seems to have been taken a bit too literally by one or two listeners, and a newspaper.

So just to repeat, Queen Elizabeth II is not dead. Unless she went in the night and is yet to be discovered by the maid.

Just coming up to seven o’clock. Gadzooks! It’s the noble Sir David Clifton of Radioshire. Good morning to you, sir.

Dave: Arise, Sir Alan of Partridge.
Alan: Shall we stop talking in this medieval way? What’s on your show today, Dave?
Dave: Right. Get dialling. If you want to try and cross the Clifton suspension quiz, the prize money has soared to an incredible £11,000.
Alan [Fantasising about lap dancing]: You’re sexy. Sorry.
Dave: Yes! I didn’t know you cared, Alan! That was OAP, Old Alan Partridge.
Alan: I’m not old! I’m 43, you cheeky git!
And this is Blue Oyster Cult, from the album “Agents Of Fortune”

Alan is at the Travel Tavern, heading over to Michael to check on the announcement board for his afternoon show:

Alan [Singing War of the Worlds]: The chances of anything coming from Mars, are a million to one…
Michael: Aye, morning.
Alan [Finger raised indicating he doesn’t want to be interrupted]: But still they come.
Michael: Morning, Mr Partridge. Hey “War of the Worlds”.
Alan: “Wild Woods”?
Michael: No, no. “War of the Worlds”. I’m playing guess the tune.
Alan: Oh, “War of the Worlds”, that’s right, yes.
Michael: So what do you reckon? “3 pm. An Afternoon with Alan Partridge, with special celebrity guest star, Sue Cook.”
Alan: Yeah. Could you just put “Plus Sue Cook”? I suppose the good thing about this is you can’t hear your Geordie accent on the board. You should turn this into a sandwich board, and you could press onto your chest what you’re trying to say. Sort of a primitive form of Stephen Hawking’s voice box. The good thing about Stephen Hawking is, he is clear.

Alan leaves Michael to ponder, and heads over to reception, where Jed Maxwell is obtaining his ticket for the afternoon show:

Jed: It’s you isn’t it? You’re Alan Partridge.
Alan: Yes, I am.
Jed: I don’t believe it! I’m your biggest fan. I’m coming to your afternoon. I’ve got my ticket. Shake my hand!
Alan: There you go
Jed: What’s it about then, Alan?
Alan: It’s basically a TV show that’s not on TV.
Alan: It’s like Kilroy, but with tea, Wagon Wheels and Sue Cook.
Jed: Oh brilliant! I can’t tell you what a pleasure it is to shake your hand.
Alan: I can see that, you’re obviously enjoying yourself.
Jed: Yeah!
Alan: You’re not going to let it go are you?
Jed: No!
Alan: Can I have it back?
Jed: It’s so nice that you let your fans have a chance to meet you. A lot of them don’t. They forget it’s fans like us that make you what you are.
Alan: I don’t actually agree with that. I know some people do, but I don’t.
Jed: I couldn’t ask you for your autograph could I?
Alan: Yes, certainly. What’s your name?
Jed: Jed, Jed Maxwell.
Alan: Jed Maxwell. You’re no relation to Robert Maxwell?
Jed: No.
Alan: You’re not going to go all fat and steal my pension?
Jed: No.
Alan: Just a joke.
Jed: I’m so excited.
Alan: Actually. Could you ask me for this later in front of some important people?
Jed: You’ve done it now.
Alan: Yeah, but it just says “To Jed Maxwell from Alan”.
Jed: It’s better, it sounds like you know me.
Alan: Right OK, well there you go “To Jed Maxwell from Alan Smith”. Who’s he? Never heard of him. I’m expecting two television executives from RTE who are coming over from Dublin. We’re going to be brunching in there.
Jed: Can I shake your hand again?
Alan: No. You’ve had enough of that. It would make me look very important if you would ask for my autograph in front of them. You know, and shake my hand… later!
Jed: Never you mind, Alan. You can rely on me.
Alan: Thank you.
Jed to Susan: It’s Alan Partridge! I can’t believe it!
Jed to Alan: Ahh, you haven’t lost it Alan. I don’t care what they say. See you later.

Alan, at the reception desk, has his regular morning chat with the staff:

Alan to Susan: Susan. Hmm, that’s a nice smell. Is that new perfume?
Susan: Yes it is.
Alan: Ahh/ It’s very nice, what it is?
Susan: Well my fiancé bought it…
Alan: Yeah, I didn’t ask you who bought it for you, I just asked you what it is.
Susan: It’s Ralph Lauren.
Alan: Can I have a sniff? [Susan holds her arm out, but Alan grabs her hand and lunges over the counter]
Susan: Yeah, sure.
Alan [Sniffing Susan’s neck]: Actually, sorry. I shouldn’t touch members of staff. Unless I’m reprimanding them, and then I’ll put you across my knee and smack your bare bottoms.

Sophie to Alan: Oh, there was a call for you. A Mr Nishead rang.
Alan: Right, never heard of him. Did he leave a first name?
SophieNo. It was just a Mr P Nishead.
Alan: Sophie, that’s a crank call. It’s another crank call.
Sophie: Is it?
Alan: Read it back to yourself.
Sophie: Oh yeah. I can see what he’s done now. Shall I put it on the list with all the others?
Alan: If you would. Actually, can I have a look at that list, I want to get to the bottom of this. Mr G String. Mr Nick Hers, Y Fronts. Mr T Osser. That doesn’t even work. Mr B Oddie, this is Bill Oddie. It’s not a crank call. Why have you put it on there?
Susan: Well, we thought it looked like “body”.
Alan: What’s rude about a body?
Sophie: Tits?

[Ben enters the scene, adjusting his tie]

Ben: Good morning, Sophie.
Sophie: Good morning, Ben. Did you sleep well?
Ben: Yeah. It was a good night last night, wasn’t it?
Alan: If you’re professional and you know you’re working in the morning,  then you would have got your head down about midnight?
Ben: Yeah. I got my head down all right.
Alan: I’ve had some pretty late night sessions myself. Yeah. In 1976, I saw ELO at the Birmingham NEC. I was there shouting with everyone else “Come back on, ELO, and carry on playing!”.
Alan, your PA’s arrived 

Lynn arrives with a heavy box containing the Alan Partridge tie and blazer badge combination packs and the Wagon Wheels:

Alan: Lynn, let me take that. Right, Alan Partridge tie and blazer badge, and the Wagon Wheels. Excellent. There you go [Hands the heavy box back to Lynn].
Ben to Lynn: Can I take that for you?
Lynn: Oh, how very thoughtful.
Ben: You’re welcome.
Alan: I’ll take it, I’ll take it. [Ben drops the box into Alan’s hands] This’ll happen to you when you hit 40.
Alan to Lynn: It’s cutting into my fingers [Hands box back to Lynn]
Lynn: Oh, I’m so sorry.
Alan: Can you smell my breath?
Lynn: It smells a bit like gas.
Alan: You know what that is, don’t you?
Alan: It’s those scotch eggs we had at the petrol station last night.
What time was that?
Lynn: About quarter to 11.
Alan: Yeah, it’s going to be in the system till about four.
Lynn: Right, I’ll buy a packet of mints.
Alan: Great.

Alan receives a phone from Sue Cook telling him that she won’t be able to make it:

Susan: Excuse me, Alan? There’s an urgent call for you.
Alan: Right. You go on up, Lynn.

Alan on the phone: Hello? Right. Well, where are you? Oh, come on! Oh this is… Oh, that’s bang out of order! Whoa, take a look in the mirror! What? Pardon? No, I’ve got a better idea, why don’t you shove it up your arse! [Slams down the phone] Sue Cooks’ pulled out.

[Alan heads over to Michael]

Alan to Michael: Michael, change that to “An Afternoon with Just Alan Partridge”.
Michael: OK. Roger and out.
Alan: We’re not on short-wave radio. Actually, it is quite eye-catching. I suppose that’s the opposite of what you were taught in the army. You know, camouflage.
Michael: Aye. Well, I also done this course at the Army School of Commando Training. What we had to do was target identification, right. You had to gang into this big building, full of people. You have to identify the hostages and the terrorists, and take out the terrorists. I’ve sort of employed it here, like.
Alan: Do you know, I know exactly what you mean. Because, a couple of weeks ago, I was doing a corporate for Allied Dunbar. Afterwards a bunch of us went down to Laser Quest. In there, very scary, seconds count. You know, really quick on the draw, quick on the draw!
Michael: No, no, you see. Look, here. If you ever find yourself in a situation with a concealed weapon, right. What you want to dee is, when you draw your weapon…
Alan: It’s great this, I love this.
Michael: It’s nee laughing matter. When you draw your weapon, right, draw your weapon make it as smooth as you possibly can. So draw, hold, fix and fire, and then just move and fire, and move and fire, and move and fire, and move and fire!…
Alan: Get back in the lift, Lynn!
Michael: Reload! I’m up!
Susan: MICHAEL! What do you think you’re doing?
Michael: I’m sorry.

Michael: So, do you want us to take out Sue Cook for you?
Alan: God no! Oh, I see!

Alan is sitting down in the Travel Tavern restaurant, having brunch with the executives from RTE:

Alan: I must say, I’m very grateful you’ve come over. Big fans of all the Irish, stuff. I love your pop music. Enya… and the other one. Ripped up the Pope. Bald chap. And I think, that’s it.
Aidan: Well, there’s U2, of course.
Alan: Yeah, U2. Oh, fantastic. Sunday Bloody Sunday. Really encapsulates the frustration of a Sunday. You wake up in the morning, you’ve got to read all the Sunday papers. The kids are running around. You’ve got to mow the lawn, wash the car, and you think “Sunday, bloody Sunday!”
Aidan: I really hate to do this to you, Alan, but it’s actually a song about…
Paul: Yeah. Bloody Sunday is actually about a massacre in Derry in 1972.
Alan: Massacre. Urgh! Not playing that again.
Aidan: I must say, this is a really horrible hotel. Who stays in a place like this.
Paul: Terrible. It’s so sterile here.
Lynn: Yes, it is.
Aidan: The staff are polite, but it’s as if their smiles are…
Lynn: Painted on.
Aidan: Yeah, exactly.
Alan: Yeah, they are. It’s very false, isn’t it? I mean the great thing about this hotel is its situation. It’s equidistant between London and Norwich. That’s the genius of its location. Even though I do hate it and I don’t live here, I just pop in for breakfast.
Susan: Hello, Alan.
Alan: Which is why she knows my name. Hello, Susan. Just clocking the name tag there. Can we have four full British Isles breakfasts, please?
Susan: Certainly.
Alan: Yeah. You robot! I wouldn’t be surprised if she went into the kitchen, opened her chest up, stuck in a screw driver and turned her smile up. It’s a nice chest, but full of wires. [Alan exhales]
Aidan: Do you smell gas?
Lynn to Alan: Do you want a mint?
Alan: The food will probably…
Lynn: It will just break it down.
Alan: Break it down, yes. Actually, I’ll pop and get some ruby grapefruit juice, that’ll help too.

Lynn to the RTE executives: Where you from in Ireland?
Paul: Well, Aidan is from Selbridge, which is near Dublin. And I’m originally from West Cork.
Lynn: Oh, whereabouts?
Paul: You know Skibbereen?
Lynn: Oh, Skibbereen! Oh, I used to go there as a little child. And I used to go on nature trails, and I used to spot flowers. And Mummy used to say…
Alan: There we go. Ruby grapefruit juice. I thought I’d take the whole jug in case it’s all quaffed by R2D2 over there.
Susan: Tea, coffee?
Alan [Mimicking a robot]: Tea or coffee, tea or coffee. Four teas please.
Aidan: You ever been to Ireland, Alan?
Alan: No, no. I’d love to go.
Aidan: It amazes me when people say that and it’s only 49 quid on a plane.
Alan: Yeah. I think that’s what puts me off. Well, that’s the small talk. Now let’s get down to business. Now, your programme… [Irish accent] what’s de big oi-dea.
Well the “big oi-dea” is we want to produce a show that appeals to modern, mainstream audiences on both sides of the Irish sea… 

[Alan falls into another daydream, this time he fantasizes about lap dancing for the RTE executives, who are dressed as IRA terrorists]

Alan: Ooooh! Scary Irish men! Would you like to recruit me?I like your beret’s. They’re worn by Saddam Hussein, Frank Spencer and the French.

[Alan snaps out of this daydream]

Paul: [Continuing] …the culture of both countries.
: I think the Irish are going through a major image change. I mean, the old image of leprechauns, shamrock, Guinness. Horses running through council estates. Toothless simpletons. People with eyebrows on their cheeks. Badly tarmacked drives, in this country. Men in platform shoes being arrested for bombings. Lots of rocks, and Beamish. I think people are saying “Yes, there’s more to Ireland than this”. A good slogan for the tourist board [Irish accent] “There’s more to Oi-reland, DAN DIS.”.

Susan [Bringing the breakfasts]: There we go.
Alan: Thanks very much. You blonde bastard… From the future. [Alan looks over to Susan and gives her the V’s] This looks disgusting. Still, might as well eat it. So, how many people were killed in the Irish famine?
Aidan: Erm. Two million, and another two million had to leave the country.
Alan: Right. If it was just the potatoes that were affected, at the end of the day, you will pay the price if you are a fussy eater. If they could afford to emigrate, then they could afford to eat in a modest restaurant. Could we come live from the Blarney Stone? I’m trying to get an angle on this.
Paul: You see, Alan. I think you are increasingly moving towards and area we want to move away from.
Alan: Yep, you’re absolutely right. Live TV can blow up in your face. Sorry about that. You must be sick of that.
Aidan: Of what?
Alan: You know, being blown up, bombs.
Aidan: I’m from Dublin. Not in Dublin.
Alan: But that’s where you make them. You’ve come all this way, and it seems to me you are being a little bit negative.
Aidan: No, I was interested in something, earlier. Lynn, what you were talking about when you went to Skibbereen, as a child.
Paul: That was interesting.
Aidan: I think there might be something in that
Paul: Yeah.
Aidan: I would be interested to know, if at the time, did you have any friends or cousins over, while you were there?

[Jed walks over to the table, while the RTE executives talk to Lynn]

Jed: Excuse me, Mr Partridge, can I have your autograph, please?
Alan: Certainly. What’s your name?
Jed: Jed. Jed Maxwell.
Alan: [Writing] To Jed Maxwell, from Alan Partridge.
Jed: Thanks very much.

[Alan, unhappy that the RTE executives are more interested in Lynn breathes around the table with his gassy breath. Every one is set back]

Alan: Erm, listen. I think if we, err, if you stick around for the “Afternoon with Alan Partridge”. Then afterwards you can talk to Lynn, and me, about Lynn?

Alan is conducting his “Afternoon With Alan Partridge” in one of the Travel Tavern conference rooms:

Alan to the audience: [Alan is standing behind a screen in front of a keyboard, which is playing “Knowing Me, Knowing You”] A-ha! Good Afternoon. [Music starts playing again]. Sorry. [Alan head back behind the screen trying to stop the keyboard from playing] Sorry about that. Couple of gremlins in the system there. Ghosts in the machine. Perhaps a metaphor for…

Good evening. Afternoon.

I might as well say this now, Sue Cook has pulled out. [The audience groan] So if anyone wants to leave, then please, now’s the time. [A couple of people leave] Amazing, absolutely amazing.

[Cuts to a shot where Alan is doing a Q and A session]

Alan: Question from the person over there.
Woman 1: Has your career gone off the rails a bit?
Alan: No, not you, the woman behind you.
Woman 2: Are you in favour of the death penalty?
Alan: Yes, I am. For treason and murder.

Alan to the audience: Say “Pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre” to anyone, and they’ll probably look blankly at you… [Two men open the door to the room and peer their heads around to look what’s going on] Hello? [The two men leave] Why do people do that?

[The Q and A session is continuing, but Alan is sitting on a sofa, relaxed]

Alan to the audience: Very clever men. Both very clever men, but I don’t trust them. Gerry Adams looks like a deputy headmaster and Martin McGuinness looks like a clown without make-up.

[Alan is demonstrating disarming a terrorist on an old woman]

Alan to the audience: OK. Let’s recap.  Draw the gun from the holster, knock the safety catch off, there’s one in the chamber, and move and fire and move and fire and move and fire. The terrorist is disorientated from the stun grenades. He doesn’t know what’s going on. Remember the double-tap, bang, bang.

We have to neutralise the threat by incapacitating the target and we do that in two areas. The chest area, here. Anywhere down the central line, all the major organs are kept, we get one there, he’s going down. If you’re near enough you can take a head shot. Again, he’s going down.

[Alan is closing his Q and A session]

Alan to the audience: Right, I think we’ve got time for just one more question. Lady at the back.
Lynn: Yes, Alan. I wondered if you had any more Alan Partridge tie and blazer badge combination packs available.
Alan: Yes, I do as a matter of fact I’ve got one here. There we go. They’re available at the back, or reception priced £19.99, £20. The penny’s just a price rhetoric. [The RTE executives have seen enough and decide to leave] Some of the boxes are a bit faded, but I was made promises about storage that were not kept. So that’s all from me. Thank you very much. Goodbye. Sorry, got to go.

The RTE executives have seen enough and plan on leaving the hotel. Alan catches up with them in the hotel reception area:

Alan: Ahh, there you are. So, what did you think?
Aidan: Well, I wouldn’t be depressed.
Alan: I’m not.
Aidan: When you were berating that old woman, I…
Alan: Did you see the look on her face? Classic
Aidan: She was really frightened.
Alan: Yeah. I know!

Alan: So, perhaps we could go and chat about all my other ideas in my room.
Paul: In your room:
Alan: In my room, in my house. Where I live.
Aidan: Right, where’s your house?
Jed: Just down the road. Our house.
Alan: Yeah. Do you remember that man who came up and asked for my autograph earlier?
Aidan: No.
Alan: Good. This is Jed, he’e my driver.
Aidan: Oh. Hello, Jed.
Jed: How do you do. And business partner.
Paul: Hello.
Alan: And we live together. We’re not gay! I’ve nothing against them, It’s just, as I see it, God created Adam and Eve. He didn’t create Adam and Steve. I’m kind of a homo-sceptic.
Aidan: Right, well, whatever. I just would like to get out of here.
Paul: Be nice to go.
Alan: Let’s go!

[Jed taps Alan and holds out his hand for a handshake. Alan obliges but Jed keeps hold of his hand. Alan swipes his hand out of Jed’s clasp]

Jed is chauffeuring Alan and the executives in Alan’s car. They are heading to Jed’s house:

Alan: Have you seen the film “The Crying Game”?
Paul: Yes, I saw it.
Alan: Yeah. The woman with the old, er, tadger. I suppose the sequel will have a man with a fanny!

They all arrive at Jed’s house:

Alan: This is my house. Where I live. With Jed. After you. Bowl of bread there.
Aidan: What’s that for?
Alan: Just, er… friends.
Jed: I’ll put the kettle on.
Alan: Right. Erm. Shall we go into the…? Yes, the lounge. Grab a pew. There’s only the one chair. The other one, burnt down. If Jed and I are both in the room at the same time, It tend to do this [Leans on the wall] Sort of lean on the wall, like that. Yeah, perched on the arm. That’s a good one. I’ve tried that one.
Aidan: Very nice picture of yourself on the TV.
Alan: I always leave this here, so that way I’m always on the telly.
Paul: Who’s the other one?
Alan: This is David Copperfield. Yes. He’s the American magician. You know. “I’m an American”. Yes. He claims to have made the Statue of Liberty disappear. But it’s still there. Talking out of his arse.
Aidan [Pointing to a tacky painting]: Is that an original.
Alan: I don’t know why I bought this painting. This has got a very haunting quality. Man and machine. I mean, I often look at this in the morning and I think “Oh, I’d like to kiss her”.
Aidan: Actually, do you mind if I use your toilet?
Alan: By all means.
Aidan: Where is it?
Alan: Erm, well, I’ll show you.

[They all venture out of the living room]

Alan: This is the lobby. I like to read the Sunday papers in here.

[Alan ventures into another room, which is pitch black]

Alan: I can never find the light switch in here. [Paul switches the light on and reveals a room devoted to Alan, plastered with pictures] Oh, my God. I am such a bighead. Two things. One, presumably you think I’m a bit odd and you’d like to leave immediately?
Aidan and Paul: Yes
Alan: And two, can I come with you?
Aidan and Paul: No.

[Jed enters with a tray of tea in various vessels]

Jed: Tea’s up. I’m sorry we’ve only got one mug, we don’t get a lot of visitors. Well, you’re the biggest so you better have the mug… [Hands a large mug to Aidan] …You’ll have to have this milk jug… [Hands Paul the milk jug] …it’s a bit like a mug only it’s got a spout on it. I’ll have the coffee jar, and there you go Alan [Hands Alan a container that holds washing powder]
Paul: [Point at Alan’s drink] That’s one of those ball things you have in washing machines?
Jed: That’s right, it’s called an Aerialator!
Alan: Cheers! [Takes a swig of tea] Yeah, I often think I should swallow this whole, and let is sort of slosh around my system, dispensing the coffee.

Aidan and Paul decide to leave, closing the door to the room behind them:

Alan: [Not aware the RTE executives have left] …The trouble is, it would be quite difficult to swallow… [Alan hear’s the door closing and turns around to find himself in the room with Jed] Wh… wh… wh… Where have they gone?
Jed: You don’t think my room scared them do you?
Alan: I think they might have found it a bit creepy.
Jed: It must be odd being here in a room being surrounded by photos of yourself.
Alan: It is a bit, yeah.
Jed: I like David Copperfield as well. Not as much as you though.
Alan: No, no. I can see that he’s losing the battle for wall space, isn’t he. Did you take these on a telephoto lens?
Jed: Yeah.
Alan: Are you the crank caller?
Jed: Yeah.
Alan: Yup, thought so.
Jed: I’m just a fan, Alan, that’s all. Your biggest fan.

Jed reveals a large tattoo of Alan’s face on his chest:

Jed: I’ll show you something.
Alan: Glory be!
Jed: It took 14 hours! I fainted three times.
Alan: Jed, I’ll level with you. I’m really scared. Erm.. . In fact, I think I’ll go.
Jed: No! Stay, don’t go!
Alan: All right. I’ll stay! I’ll stay. What do you want to do?
Jed: Let’s do an interview.
Alan: I think that’s a great idea.
Jed: Do you really?
Alan: I think it’s the best idea, in the world.
Jed: Oh, great! Right, well you can be David Copperfield. And I’ll be Alan Partridge [Puts an Alan Partridge mask on]. A-ha!
Alan [Making a run for it]: Oh god.
Jed: No! Come back! [Jed grabs Alan and they scuffle]
Alan: Not my face, I’m doing a photo-shoot for Vision Express! I’ll give you a Chinese burn!
Jed [With Alan in a headlock]: Ah! You bastard!
Alan: I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe.
Jed: Look, Alan. I just want to be your friend, that’s all.
Alan: I’ll BE your friend.
Jed: Oh, great. Will you come and see my brother-in-law next weekend?
Alan: I’d love to.
Jed: I bet you can’t guess where he lives. Go on, have a guess.
Alan: Nottingham.
Jed: No.
Alan: Chester.
Jed: Where?
Alan: Chester. Near North Wales, off the M56.
Jed: No, Leeds!
Alan: Oh, Leeds!
Jed: Can you smell gas?
Alan: I think that’s my breath. I ate a scotch egg. I thought it would have broken down by now, but I think I’m slightly constipated. It’s surprising, really, considering the circumstances.
Jed: I’m sorry, Alan. I didn’t know. Are you all right?
Alan: Yeah.
Jed: So we’re friends then?
Alan: Best friends.
Jed: In the whole world?
Alan: Pretty much, yeah.

Alan manages to leave Jeds house, but Jed sees Alan to his car:

Jed: Well, now you know where I live I hope you’ll not be a stranger.
Alan: No, won’t be… one.
Jed: Good. There’ll always be a kettle on here.
Alan: Oh, great.
Jed: See you next week, then. We’ll have that pint.
Alan: Yup.
Jed: Go see my brother.
Alan: No way, you big spastic! You’re a mentalist! [Alan zooms off]
Jed: Come back! I’ll rip your bloody head off!

Alan to himself [heading towards a dead end]: It’s a dead end! Where’s the road? [Alan jumps over a hedge into a farmers field and runs] He’s a mentalist! Help me someone!