Cast: Steve Coogan (Alan Partridge), Phil Cornwell (Dave Clifton), Barbara Durkin (Susan), Simon Greenall (Michael), Felicity Montagu (Lynn Benfield), Sally Phillips (Sophie), David Schneider (Tony Hayers), Terence Booth (Peter Linehan), Philip Fox (Estate Agent), Matthew James (Waiter), David Prescott (Stephen Brai)
Synopsis: After his marriage to Carol fell apart, and his chat show ending in disaster, Alan is desperate to secure a second series of Knowing Me, Knowing You. In fact he is so desperate, he imagines himself lap-dancing for BBC Chief Commissioning Editor, Tony Hayers. When he is told that there will be no second series, and that he has a reputation for making bad television programmes, he attacks Tony Hayers with a clump of cheese. After a brief heart-to-heart with his tireless PA Lynn (Fifty), in which he has an imaginary conversation with Chris Rea, he retreats to his hotel room at the Linton Travel Tavern. Only to injure himself diving for the mini bar after being refused room service.
Opening Credits Quote: The string back just gives you a bit of extra purchase.
The opening scene where Alan is in his sound booth at Radio Norwich, presenting Up With The Partridge:
Alan to his listeners: That was Big Yellow Taxi by Joanie Mitchell, a song in which Joanie complains that they paved paradise to put up a parking lot. A measure which actually would have alleviated traffic congestion on the outskirts of paradise. Something, which Joanie singularly fails to point out, perhaps because it doesn’t quite fit in with her blinkered view of the world. Nevertheless, nice song. It’s 4.25 AM, you’re listening to ‘Up With The Partridge’.
[Cockerel crows followed by Alan with an “A-haaaaa!”]
And now it’s time for one of Alan’s ‘Fact of the day’: Crab sticks don’t actually contain any crab. And from 1993, manufactures have been legally obliged to label them ‘crab flavoured sticks’. Another one of those same time tomorrow.
Announcer: Radio Norwich, the best music
Pray silence please, for the Electric Light Orchestra.
It’s the end of Alan’s show, and Dave Clifton takes over with the breakfast show:
Alan: Time now to hand over mien breakfast host, Mr David Clifton. Good morning to you, sir.
Dave: And good morning to you, Mr Alan Partridge, sir. And I heard your phone in, and I liked your chat with the guy from Swaffham, he was a whacky fellow.
Alan: Yeah yeah he was. I actually think he was a bit simple.
Dave: Heard you laying into the criminals again there, Alan. The vandals got to your car again?
Alan: ‘Fraid so. Third time. Scum. Sub-human scum.
Dave: Ok, it’s 7am, wakey-wakey, it’s the breakfast show. Here’s Yazoo.
Alan has left the studio and is driving back to the Linton Travel Tavern in his car, which is plastered with Cock Piss Partridge:
Alan to Lynn on his hands-free headset: Lynn, message from Alan. Something to pitch to Tony Hayers at BBC lunch, Friday. Idea for film extravaganza, plot thus: Malcolm MacDowell is trapped in the future. He’s being pursued by a cyber-punk from that past. Played by Rutger Hauer. Erm, terrible idea, no one will watch that. I’ve not thought it through Lynn; I’ll call you back.
Alan has arrived at the Linton Travel Tavern and heads to reception:
Alan [Singing Killer Queen by Queen]: ‘Guaranteed to blow your mind!’
Susan: Good morning, Alan. How are you today?
Alan: Classic Queen! I’m very well thank you, how are you?
Susan: I’m fine.
Alan: I like those earrings, are they gold?
Susan: Yes, they’re rolled gold.
Alan: That’s not really gold, is it? Very nice. Like little tears, little wax tears dripping from your ears because they’re sad. Don’t cry ears, you’re on the side of a lovely head!
Susan: Good show this morning?
Alan: It was a belter, did you hear it?
Alan to Susan: Any messages?
Susan: Just the one, from Bill Oddie.
Alan: Did he leave a message?
Alan: No, he never does.
Alan: Well I’m afraid Susan I’ve got some very bad news. I’m leaving you, you cow! Bit of a joke there, backfired. I’m basically saying I’m going to be checking out at the end of the week.
Susan: Are you going back to your wife?
Alan: No, no god Carol, no god no. She’s living with that fitness instructor; he provides her all her sexual, intercourse. Sorry I’m err, dry skin, I’m flaking again. I’m sorry about the cow early, by the way. You’re not a cow. And if you were, you’d be a lovely Jersey. Ripe for milking.
At this point, Sophie comes joins Susan behind reception:
Alan to Sophie: Just talking about cows. D’you like milk?
Alan to Susan: Actually, can I talk to you, rather delicate matter. [Reception phone rings]
Susan: Oh, excuse me. Sophie, could you deal with this?
Alan: Err, Sophie.
Sophie: Mr Partridge?
As you know, the end of the week I’m meeting Tony Hayers at the BBC. And he is Mr. Numero… one, and the problem is I’ve got some rude daubing’s on the side of my car.
Sophie: Can you still drive the car?
Alan: Well, yeah yeah, obviously, but that’s… do you know what it says on the side of my car?
Alan: No. You’re in the right ballpark. No, it actually says Cock Piss Partridge.
Susan: Is everything alright?
Sophie: Mr Partridge, erm, has got some rude graffiti [Walks away laughing]
Susan: Graffiti? What in the hotel?
Alan to Susan: No, no, god… There’s never any graffiti in the hotel. Although in the gents a couple of weeks ago I did see that someone had drawn a ladies part [Alan draws a triangle shape with his finger]. It was quite detailed. The guy obviously had talent, that’s the tragedy. It’s on the side of my car [Sophie walks back behind reception]. It says “cock piss partridge” [Sophie walks away again, laughing], which is illegal. Is she new?
Susan: Yes, she is.
Alan: I’m basically driving round in an obscene publication. Love to get my hands on the bastard, [Sophie walks back behind reception] or bitch, might be a lady.
Sophie: Susan, can I take five minutes?
Susan: Yes, of course.
Alan: Nipping off for a fag?
Susan: Don’t worry about your car, Alan. I’ll get Michael to sort it out for you.
Alan bumps into Michael on the way to his hotel room:
Alan: Oh, talk of the devil
Michael Morning, Mr Partridge.
Alan: Michael, Michael. I was just saying to Susan, bit of a job for you. Unfortunately some vandals have sworn all over my car again.
Michael: Vandals eh Mr. Partridge, makes you wonder what is all aboot.
Michael: Aye, you know vandals, you know, what is it all aboot.
Alan: Oh, about! Sorry, sometimes it’s difficult to understand the Geordie people.
Michael: You know, what aye reckon is, if thee had themselves proper jobs, they wouldn’t be up to all this, you know, larkin’ ev’ry night.
Michael: What I’m saying is that, like if they had themselves proper jobs you know, what there ‘gan ’til, then they wouldn’t ‘dee it. A lot of them’s from broken homes.
Alan: Sorry, Michael that was just a noise. All I got there was ‘broken homes’. And a broken home is not an excuse for evil. Look at you, do you go around drawing peep hole bras on the wall?
Michael: Aye, but it was different me like, ‘cos I was in the army when I was 17.
Alan: Well there you go, they taught you a trade. Minor repairs. [Lift door begins to close on Alan]
Michael: Aye, that ‘n’ killin’
Alan: [Alan forces the lift door back open] Really?
Michael: Oh aye. I’ve seen some terrible things mind.
Alan: What like three men burning in a tank going ‘aaaargh’?
Michael: Ye wouldn’t want to know Mr. Partridge.
Alan: I’ll be honest, I’m pretty curious. I’d basically like to understand man’s inhumanity to man. Then make a programme about it.
Alan: Anyway, regarding the graffiti, if you could [Alan mimics shooting someone with a pistol] kill that, I’ll see ye ‘reet, me old fishy on a dishy.
Michael: I’ll tell ye what I’ll dee, I’ll dee a quick fix on it for noo.
Alan: You’ve gone again, GOODNIGHT!
Alan is in his hotel room, reading an article by Tony Hayers on a sweep up at the BBC, Alan reacts immediately by reeling off some ideas for programmes into his Dictaphone:
Idea for a programme: ‘Lady Shapes with Alan Partridge’. I look at the changing shape of ladies through the ages. From fat chubby ladies of the renaissance to hard-faced Cromwelling sour pusses. Right up to 20th century well-toned women like Sharon Davies and, Jet from Gladiators.
Jet from Gladiators to host a millennium barn dance at Yeovil aerodrome. Properly policed, it must not, REPEAT NOT turn into an all-night rave.
Alan drifts off and fantasizes about dancing for Tony Hayers:
Alan: Would you like me to lap dance for you? [Tony shows a ten pound note] Uh-uh. I want a second series.
Lynn arrives and wakes up Alan to discuss the days events:
Alan: [Alan is woken by Lynn knocking on his hotel room door] Fight you! Sorry. Come in, the door’s open.
Lynn: Just me.
Alan: There’s tea in the pot.
Lynn: Oh good. [Awkward pause and Lynn looks at the teapot] Do you want a cup?
Alan: Thank you. What have you got for me, Lynn?
Lynn: Well, I’ve arranged for you to see a show house at ten o’clock.
Alan: Oh, good.Have you got my fungal foot powder? It’s a life saver you know. I’d effectively be disabled if it weren’t for these.
Lynn: I also rang all the companies on the product list you gave me. Fosters menswear said yes if you get the second series, and you wear one garment a week on air. Monza said no a free caravan and yes to a tow bar.
Alan: I’ll take it. Dolphin Bathrooms?
Lynn: No, they said they didn’t do that sort of thing.
Alan: That’s rubbish. I know for a fact Martin Lewis got two power showers out of them. One for him, and one for his brother-in-law. Right. Dry skin cream? [Lynn passes him the cream]. Having an attack of the old flakes again. This morning my pillow looked like a flapjack.
Alan asks Lynn to be Tony Hayers, so he can practice his lunchtime meeting:
Alan: Ok, Lynn, quick practice for this meeting with Tony Hayers this Friday. So you be Tony Hayers.
Alan (as Tony Hayers): Hello Tony how are you?
Lynn (as Tony Hayers): I’m fine. How are you?
Alan: Oooh, very busy! I’ve been working like a Japanese prisoner of war, but a happy one.
Lynn: Would you like a second series of your chat show?
Alan: I think he’ll be tougher than that, Lynn.
Lynn: We might give you a second series.
Alan: Yeah, that’s about right. Ok, small talk. Would you like a Cuban cigar, Tony?
Lynn: Oh, yes please!
Alan: Rolled on the thighs of a virgin! I’m being bawdy, Lynn. Enjoy it. [Lynn does a false laugh] He might make that noise. Be a bit weird. Right. You said you might give me a second series. Why is there any doubt?
Lynn: Things have to be compartmentalised, Alan. For example, in this drawer. [Lynn opens a drawer and notices some pornographic material]. You erm. You have things. And erm, sometimes you have too many things.
Alan: Abandon that, Lynn, it’s not working. Ok, doomsday scenario. You, Tony Hayers, have decide not to give me another television series. Why? Be tough.
Lynn: Well Alan, the ratings for the first series started poorly and went downhill from there.
Alan: Are you being Lynn or Tony?
Alan: Be Lynn again. Can I have a second series?
Lynn: Who am I…
Alan: Just say yes!
Alan: Thank you [Pointing to pornographic material in his hotel room drawer] They were there when I moved in.
Alan is so confident that he will be back on television, he makes a visit to a show home with the intent to buy a new house:
Announcer: From Swaffham to Cromer on 106.5, and now in Hemsby on 106.9, this is Radio Norwich.
Estate Agent: Living room.
Alan: Oh I like this, yes. Certainly enough room to swing a cat in here isn’t there!
Estate Agent: Swing a tiger in here really!
Alan: You could, couldn’t you yes! Wouldn’t want to though. Not unless it had been stunned. Even then it’s going to weigh the best part of a ton.
Estate Agent to Lynn: Do you like the room?
Lynn: Oh, it’s very nice.
Alan: Lynn’s not my wife. She’s my PA. Hard worker. But there’s no affection.
Estate Agent to Alan: So, you’d be living alone?
Alan: Yes. In fact, the best thing that I ever did was getting thrown out by my wife! She’s living with a fitness instructor. He drinks that yellow stuff in tins. He’s an idiot!
Alan: Is the a neighbourhood… sorry I’m very close to you aren’t I? Is there a neighbourhood watch system?
Estate Agent: I think so, yes.
Alan: Right, well, I’ll do my stint. I’d want expenses though. Otherwise people start taking liberties. Before you know it you’re mowing their lawn.
Estate Agent: Shall we have a look at the rest of the house?
Alan: Yep. [Lynn starts to walk towards the living room door, and Alan cuts in front of her] One more question. On the way here quite near by I did see a community centre with a mural on the side?
Estate Agent: School for the deaf.
Alan: Right. That mean there will be noise or there won’t be noise? Difficult one to figure out, that. But they’re just deaf, they’re not deaf offenders?
Estate Agent: They’re just deaf.Alan: Not you, Lynn. Stay here. Get on the phone, pester Debenhams for free lamps, free lampshades, you know, whatever you can blag ’em.
Alan is touring the house with the estate agent:
Estate Agent: This is the kitchen, obviously.
Alan: Lovely. Has this kitchen been distressed?
Estate Agent: Yes, it has, yes.
Alan: Right. What’s this? It’s a cast iron egg tree, lacquered. Is that included? I mean it’s not a deal breaker but I would like to know.
Estate Agent: Everything you want to keep here… can be kept or not.
Alan: Optional. What’s this little sink here?
Estate Agent: That’s a rinser.
Alan: Yeah, get rid of it.
Estate Agent [Viewing the bathroom]: This is the bathroom.
Alan: You know what this room says to me? Aqua. Which is French for water. It’s like being inside an enormous Fox’s Glacier Mint, which again to me is a bonus.
Alan [Viewing the dining room]: Yes it’s an extender! Fantastic. That is the icing on the cake!. If King Arthur had an extender on his table.
Estate Agent: It would have been a different story really.
Alan: Well it wouldn’t have been round, for a kick off!
Alan [Walking up the stairs]: It’s very Cluedo this house isn’t it? Colonel Mustard in the en-suite bathroom, with a lead pipe. Battered!
Alan [Viewing the bathroom]: I do like that toilet. It’s very futuristic isn’t it, very sort of high tech space age. I can imagine Buck Rogers taking a dump on that in the twenty-first century. Mind if I have a go?
Estate Agent: Sure, help yourself.
Alan: Mind if I have a go on the loo?
Estate Agent: Oh! Sorry! Yes.
Alan: I prefer to go alone.
Estate Agent: Sure.
Alan: Most times, thanks.
Alan [After using the toilet]: It flushed on the first yank! I love this house!
Alan: One yank, gone!
Lynn: Alan, that was Tony Hayers office on the phone, they’ve put the meeting forward to 12:30 today.
Alan: When did you get this call?
Lynn: Three minutes ago.
Alan: So why didn’t you… What have you been doing for three minutes?
Lynn: You were on the toilet.
Alan: Right. Was I on that long? [Alan looks at the estate agent for an answer]
Estate Agent: It’s in that area.
Lynn: We’re gonna have to zip.
Alan: Right, ok. One more question about the house, petrol stations nearby?
Estate Agent: Shell, about a quarter of a mile down…
Alan: Right, has it got a mini mart?
Estate Agent: Mini mart?
Alan: Scaled-down supermarket, fits inside a petrol station. Sells pies antifreeze?
Estate Agent: Yes, it’s got one of those.
Alan: In that case you’ve got yourself a deal! I’ll take the house!
Estate Agent: Well, are you going to make me an offer?
Alan: Yes of course, erm, how much is it?
Estate Agent: It’s on at three hundred and twenty five thousand.
Alan: Err, would you take three hundred and twenty… four?
Estate Agent: Yeah!
Alan: How many bedrooms has it got?
Estate Agent: Fiver
Alan: Five! God! My five bedroom bastard house! Right, Lynn. Let’s go off to the BBC. I’m going to be back on TV. Don’t know if you err… did you used to watch my TV show.
Estate Agent: Oh yes.
Alan: Did you like it?
Estate Agent: I loved it!
Alan: A-ha! [Estate agent looks perplexed]
Alan meets Tony Hayers for lunch to discuss Alan’s future at the BBC:
Lynn: What if Tony Hayers see’s cook pass babtridge painted on your car?
Alan: Don’t worry, Lynn. I’ll play it down.
Alan [With Tony entering the restaurant]: You know it says Partridge I can understand, but then cock and piss.
Waiter: Table for two, sir?
Alan: Yes please… no, sorry, you [Pointing to Tony]
Tony: Yeah, name of Hayers?
Waiter: Like to follow me? [Alan and Tony follow the waiter to their table]
Alan: We managed to rectify it though, it now says… by adapting it, it now says “cook” where it once said “cock”. And it says “pass” now, where it once said “piss”. So it’s slightly less rude.
Waiter: Would you like a drink first?
Alan: I’ll… have… a pint of bitter!
Tony: Just a mineral water for me, please.
Alan: Actually, I’ll have a mineral water too.
Waiter: Will you be having wine with your meal?
Tony: Not for me.
Alan: All this wine nonsense! You get all these wine people don’t you? You know, wine this, wine that!. Let’s have a bit of red; let’s have a bit of white! Oooh that’s a snazzy bouquet! Oooh this smells of, I don’t know, basil! Sometimes you just want to say ‘sod all this wine just give me a pint of mineral water’.
Tony: I don’t think wine is an elitist thing anymore. You can get good wine in Tesco’s now. I’d love to make a genuinely popular wine programme.
Alan: Can I just shock you? I like wine! Despite what I just said earlier. At any one time I have nine bottles of wine in my house.
Alan: Interesting Fact.
Tony: It’s my weakness I’m afraid, I’ve got a cellar.
Alan: So have I. There’s no wine in it, you know. Couple of bikes, some smokeless fuel, and an old bag of cement. Gone hard.
Waiter: Are you ready to order?
Tony: Yes I think I’ll have the fettuccini arrabiata please.
Alan: And. Can I have… the same. No, but with different shape pasta. What do you call those pasta in bows? Like a bow tie, but miniature. Sort of like an Action Man bow tie.
Tony: Farfalle, it’s farfalle.
Alan: That with Action Man bow tie.
Waiter: Anything else?
Alan: Yeah, I think I’ll have some… wine, actually. Yes. Just give me half a bottle of Blue Nun please.
Alan: I loved your article in the Guardian, by the way.
Alan: I loved that phrase you used; it was very very clever, where you said revolution, not evolution.
Tony: No, it was the opposite, evolution not revolution.
Alan: Well, you know, whatever. Because that is me. You know, because I e-volve but I don’t re-volve. Or vice versa. I suppose what you are trying to say is, you don’t want another Chris Evans on your hands.
Tony: No that IS what we want.
Alan: I’m you’re man!
Tony: That’s what I wanted to talk about, Alan. Your career. I can see a lot of very exciting opportunities ahead for you. Really I can.
Alan: Can I just say, this is music to my ears. [Wait starts to pour the Blue Nun] Whoa!, what are you doing? What are you doing?
Waiter: I’m pouring the wine out.
Alan: I want you to pour a little bit, let me sip it, and then pour the rest.
Waiter: I’ve already poured half.
Alan: It’s all right. [Takes the glass of wine and downs it in one] That’s fine, fill her up!
Alan: Here’s to our future relationship at the BBC.
Tony: I don’t think you should see your future just at the BBC, Alan. I just think it’s time for you to consider moving on to new pastures.
Alan: Have I got a second series?
Tony: There’s so many opportunities…
Alan: Let me rephrase that. Can I… No, actually I’ll just repeat the question. Have I got a second series?
Alan: Thank you. That’s all I wanted to know.
During the lunch with Tony Hayers, Alan meets Peter Linehan, who is revamping news and current affairs output at the BBC:
Tony: Peter, hello, how are you?
Peter: Fine, fine.
Tony: Erm, Alan, this is Peter Linehan he’s revamping our current affairs outputs. [Alan really doesn’t care and shrugs his shoulders to make the point]
Peter: We’ve haven’t met, but I liked your chat show.
Alan: Thank you very much.
Peter: Has he given you another series?
Alan: No, he won’t give me one!
Peter: Give him another series you swine!
Alan: Yeah, give me another series you shit!
Tony: Look, Alan I don’t want you to feel… I’ll see you later, Peter. I don’t want you to feel the doors have all closed here at the BBC. If you come up with anything else, then please I dont want you to hesitate…
Alan drifts off into his fantasy about dancing for Tony Hayers:
Alan: Would you like me to lap dance for you?
Tony: [Tony is holding a bottle of Blue Nun, laughing hysterically] Blue Nun!
Alan discusses his programme ideas with Tony Hayers at lunch:
Tony: …don’t hesitate, if you have any other ideas, I’d be very interested…
Alan: Got them here! [Alan picks out a file from his bag] Right, ok. “Shoestring”, “Taggart”, “Spender”, “Bergerac”, “Morse”. What does that say to you about regional detective series?
Tony: There’s too many of them?
Alan: That’s one way of looking at it. Another way of looking at it is, people like them, let’s make some more of them.
Alan: A detective series based in Norwich called “Swallow”. “Swallow” is a detective who tackles vandalism. Bit of a maverick, not afraid to break the law if he thinks it’s necessary. He’s not a criminal, but you know, he will perhaps travel at eighty miles per hour on the motorway. For example he wants to get somewhere quickly. Think about it, no one had heard of Oxford before Inspector Morse. This will put Norwich on the map.
Tony: Why would I want to do that?
Alan: Yep, fair point!
Alan: Right, “Alan Attack”. Like the Cook Report with a more slap stick approach.
Alan: “Arm Wrestling with Chas ‘n’ Dave”?
Tony: I don’t think so.
Alan: Pity, ’cause they were very keen on that one.
Alan: Right. Now, you’ll like this. “Knowing M.E., Knowing You”. I, Alan Partridge talk to M.E. sufferers about their condition. Erm, you know, we intersperse it with their favourite pop songs make it light-hearted. You know, give them a platform. You got to keep the energy up. You don’t like it, that’s alright.
Alan: “Inner City Sumo”.
Tony: What’s that?
Alan: We take fat people from the inner cities, put them in big nappies and then get them to throw each other out of a circle that we draw with chalk on the ground.
Tony: No no, it’s a bad idea.
Alan: Very cheap to make, do it in a pub car park!
Alan: If you don’t do it, Sky will.
Tony: Well I’ll live with that. Is that it?
Alan: No, no. Erm. “Cooking in Prison”.
Tony: Oh, no.
Alan: “A Partridge Amongst The Pigeons”
Tony: What’s that?
Alan: Well, it’s just a title. Opening sequence, me in Trafalgar Square feeding the pigeons going ‘oooh god’!
Tony: No, I’m sorry, no. Stop!
Alan: “Youth Hostelling with Chris Eubank”
Alan: “Monkey Tennis”?
Tony: There is to be no second series. And I’ve listened to your ideas, I’ve listened to them all, and I haven’t liked a single one of them.
Alan: Tony. I’ve, I’ve… Look I’ve just bought a house. It’s like… it’s got a Buck Rogers toilet. One yank, all gone!
Tony: We don’t owe you a living. You are someone who has a proven track record for making mostly bad television programmes.
Alan: That’s bollocks, but go on.
Tony: It’s not bollocks. Your programmes were appalling. The ratings were a ninth of what we could have expected, they started badly, they got worse…
Alan [Mimicking Tony]: “They started badly and they got worse. Ohh, your programmes, your programmes”
Tony: Now you’re making a fool of yourself.
Alan: Whoooo, whoooo, who do you think you are?
Tony: Well unfortunately for you, I am the Chief Commissioning Editor of BBC television.
Alan: Oooh, let’s forget about all this! Do you want some cheese?
Tony: No thank you.
Alan: It’s quite nice. Smells. Do you want to smell it?
Tony: No thank you.
Alan: Smell the cheese.
Tony: No, I don’t want to smell the cheese.
Alan: Smell my cheese!
Tony: Alan, please!
Alan: Smell my cheese you mother!
Waiter: I think that’s quite enough thank you!
Alan: [Running through the restaurant] I’ve got cheese! This is cheese!
Alan leaves the BBC building, heads back to his car:
Alan: Bloody BBC!. [Alan notices people from the BBC sitting outside] What are you sitting around for? Haven’t you got programmes to make? No, you’re all on the BBC gravy train. Wish I was. [To Lynn] Take this cheese.
Lynn: How did it go?
Alan: I’ve been bad, Lynn.
Lynn: Oh! It’s smelly.
Alan: It’s got walnuts in. Let’s go!
Alan sits in his car with Lynn, outside the house he viewed previously. Pondering on the day’s events:
Alan: I wasn’t expecting that Lynn. That was a negative and right now I need two positives. You know, one to cancel out the negative and another one so I can have a positive. Oh my god!
Lynn: You know, one can find some strength, when you are at your bleakest moments if you open yourself up to…
Alan: Lynn I’m not coming to your Baptist church! They always get people when they’re down! I don’t want salvation, I just want to be able to say “I’m Alan Partridge.” “Join me tonight when my guests will be”… I don’t know “Chris Rea”. Actually he lives in the area. Could have had him over.
Alan acts out a conversation he may have had with Chris Rea if he lived in the same area:
Alan: All right, Chris.
Alan as Chris Rea: Hello Alan didn’t know you moved in.
Alan: Yeah, just moved in, last week. I’m having a barbecue, fancy coming over?
Alan as Chris Rea: I’d love to, do you mind if I bring my guitar?
Alan: I’d rather you didn’t, it’s not that kind of an evening. Do like Mini Kiev’s?
Alan as Chris Rea: I love them, but my wife’s vegetarian.
Alan: Doesn’t matter she can have fish.
Alan as Chris: No, she won’t eat that either.
Alan [Getting all irate with his own conversation]: OH FORGET IT! You people!
Alan: Come on, Lynn. These people are starting to annoy me. I’ll tell you something. They may have very nice Tudorette-style housing, but can they order an Irish coffee at 3am in the morning and get it delivered to their bedroom?
Alan: Nope, I can. I’ll drop you at a cab rank.
Alan is back at his hotel room, listening to ‘Jet’ by Wings. He calls room service to order an Irish coffee to be delivered to his room (they obviously respond with ‘no’ to all of his requests):
Alan to Room Service: Hi, erm, can I have an Irish coffee delivered to the room please? No? Right. Tea? Erm, can of Fanta? Minibar, no I’ll get it myself.
Alan: Jet! Jet! Jet! Right… minibar!
Alan is back in the studio doing his breakfast show, sporting a black eye after attempting to open the minibar by jumping from his bed. He is interviewing Stephen Brai, who’s father invented cats eyes:
Alan to his listeners: Kate Bush there, the lovely Kate Bush. With The Man With The Child In His Eyes. Which brings us on very neatly to my next guest. Mr Stephen Brai, who’s father invented Cats Eyes. Stephen, what was it like living with the… being the son of the man who invented Cats Eyes.
Stephen: Well I remember he came home from work one night, very excited that he…
Alan: People want to err… did he ever turn all the lights off in the house and run towards you with a torch, hoping to try and catch the reflection in your eyes?
Stephen: Well the idea of reflection of course is what dad was interested in, the idea of…
Alan: Can I just interrupt you there, Stephen?Time now for ‘Alan’s Fact of the Day’: Most Cornflakes come from the USA. Well another one of those again tomorrow. I remember I hit a fox once. Yes, in the Peak District. I remember seeing the reflection in his eyes just before I hit him. It was too late of course, but I didn’t quite kill him, that was the tragedy. I had to go back and finish him off with a jack. This is Huey Lewis and The News [Kate Bush plays] No it’s not, it’s Kate Bush, what am I doing. It’s Huey Lewis, there we go [Mike Oldfield plays] Oh, Christ. Sorry. [Cockrel crows followed by an “A-ha”] No, sorry about that.